Horrorscopes
By Clouds McCloud
Scorpio: Studies have shown that people are actually more productive if they take frequent short breaks to do odds and ends, such as shop online, grab a cup of tea or check Facebook. Since Scorpios are at their best when their minds are wandering, but are obeying the leash law, be sure to remember to take such breaks. And feel free to post things such as: “All disappointments are temporary. Nudity is eternal!”
Sagittarius: Now that things have calmed down astrologically, Clouds is at your service to remind you of two things: Sagittarians are at their best when they’re learning, exploring, expanding and not getting caught up in little personal dramas. And, the only choice you really have is your attitude, and sometimes whether or not you’d like a side of fries.
Capricorn: As Thanksgiving and the accompanying holidays get set to speed on past like cops with lights blazing in hot pursuit, pick a character from the old TV show “CHiPs” to be your new role model. After all, both Ponch and Jon were pretty much happy-go-lucky pacifists, who somehow managed to never fire their weapons on the show. As Ponch said, “A fist fight never proved nothin’, except that you’re dumb.”
Aquarius: Since The Stars report that there’s nothing you absolutely have to do right at the moment, here are some general self-help suggestions: Read a self-help book about something you don’t have a problem with. Learn a new language, even if it’s only the curse words. Be more thankful. And if you can’t see the bright side of life, try using the open eye.
Pisces: Your advice for the week was passed along by one of Clouds’ favorite Pisces: “Pay attention. Stay in the present. It’s the only place anything is really happening anyway.” Your deep thought for the week was passed along by a devilish redhead (something for which Pisces have a natural weakness): “Getting waylaid isn’t nearly as fun as it sounds.”
Aries: Because listening to country music is supposed to tap into higher planes of consciousness, try adding a little Lady Antebellum to your life, especially these lines to which most Aries should be able to relate: “Steady as a Preacher. Free as a weed. Couldn’t wait to get going, but wasn’t quite ready to leave.”
Taurus: The stars say this weekend will be one of the rare chances you’ll get this month to lay low. It’s important to get rest and relaxation when you can, and a little lovin’ never hurt anybody either, unless the person who wants to give you the lovin’ outweighs you by 315 pounds and considers him/herself an Alpha.
Gemini: Most people claim that Geminis are liars, but Clouds knows that Geminis are just manipulators like the rest of us. It’s just that Geminis are better at it. After all, you are who you tell yourself you are, although sometimes you’re someone completely different, which is why the rest of us like you so much, but sometimes hate you, too.
Cancer: A positive outlook on life has been shown to add an average of 7 years to the lifespan of anyone who holds such a view. This just goes to prove that life will be happy to reward you with more of what you like, as long as you make sure you like it. So, quit your complaining, unless all you like about life is that you can complain about it, in which case, then do happily continue. Besides, you’ll be done sooner than you think.
Leo: To keep in the astrological theme that you need to tap into your inner child more, your words of wisdom for the week come from fellow Leo, the late writer, Eric Hoffer: “To be aware how fruitful the playful mood can be is to be immune to the propaganda of the alienated, which extols resentment as a fuel of achievement.”
Virgo: Ladies and Gentlemen, Hotties and Beefcakes, allow Clouds to enliven you with the following three rules for life: #1) Bad things happen when good people stay silent. #2 ) No one likes to get hit with a snot rocket. #3) The love you give is the love you get, unless you’re only giving love to a bottle of Jägermeister, in which case the only love you’ll get is from the couch and bottle of aspirin.
Libra: Members of this sign are known for being strong-willed, stubborn and tend to have lots of secrets — some real, some imaginary. Therefore, your new assignment is make up a new secret that makes you smile. For example, “I secretly believe the gene pool could use more chlorine!”
