If you’re looking for love in all the wrong places, that means you’re probably reading The Sheet personals. Here’s a sampling of the year’s best.
Need to … make a few resolutions? Come on over to my place. They don’t call me Father Time for nothing.
I saw you … at your place. Maybe they call you Father Time because you’re so old. How about changing your name to Uncle Cialis?
In search of … a date for Martin Luther King day. I have a dream that you’ll march on my Washington.
I saw you … ran a story on the panty tree. How come they call it a panty tree if it seems to contain more bras than panties? Should it be renamed the undergarment tree? And how come everything is in a plus size? Is there a correlation between size and exhibitionism?
I saw you … got great ratings for the Bear Whisperer. Wow, that’s such good publicity for the Town that the cancellation of your wildlife contract seems inevitable.
I heard you … think someone is trying to kill you. Don’t flatter yourself.
In search of … an iPad. No strings attached.
In search of … a date for Valentine’s Day. I’ll be happy to treat you to an intimate evening at The Smokeyard (aka my bedroom).
In search of … someone to help enjoy a Super Bowl with me now that I’ve got my medical marijuana card.
I heard you … tell me that I have a doppelganger. Good. The world needs more of me.
I heard you … tell me I have a doppelganger. And believe me, it’s a big, fat doppelganger.
In search of … my doppelganger, because it would be nice to love myself without having to do it myself.
I saw you … pouring Gordon’s vodka into my $14 martini. Do that again and I’ll pour my fist so far into your tip jar you’ll have to declare bankruptcy.
In search of … a lass who likes to play the fiddle and doesn’t mind if I play the recorder while she does it.
I saw you … out jogging. Then you stopped jogging. It was dark. You didn’t think anyone was watching. So you took a dump in a snow bank at the Starwood subdivision entrance. Don’t believe me? I shit you not.
In search of … an Olympic lay. As a warmup, you can wet my whistler.
I saw you … drinking a car bomb. Hmm. I don’t drink my car bombs. I go to the McDonald’s drive through and then let them out afterwards.
I found you … don’t have much of a sense of humor. Which I suppose doesn’t really matter when you’re wearing that tight little leather mini.
I hope to see you … skating over to my pad tonight. Hey, I’ve got an idea. We’ll create our own personal Olympic role-play. I’ll impersonate an Olympic medalist and you can be my personal sports announcer: “Ohno! Ohno! Ohno! Ohno!”
I saw you … giving some chick up in Vancouver your bronze medal. Ad campaign idea: Lago my Eggo.
I saw you … at the Chris Hernandez benefit. And then I took you home. So thanks, Chris. Your pain is my gain. I guess I should donate more money.
I saw you … on American Idol. You were so bad even Ellen didn’t like you.
I see you … will be appearing in the upcoming production of Fiddler on the Roof. Hmm. Sounds like a porno.
In search of … a spring training batterymate to help me perfect my screwball. If ths is you, don’t throw me the curve. Meet me at the Westin for sliders.
I saw you … probably won’t make the tourney this year. Is the new acronym CULA?
I saw you … are thinking about taking a Census job. My survey says I’d invite you in if you showed up on my doorstep wearing nothing but a clipboard.
In search of … Census workers, but remember, this is a job, not just an excuse to find out where all the hotties live.
I saw you … are running for Town Council, and part of your platform is to build a wildlife sanctuary in Mammoth. A wildlife sanctuary sounds just GRRRREEAT! Can I moonlight as your cougar?
In search of … a wildlife sanctuary, because I found myself at Whiskey Creek last night getting chased by a pack of dogs.
In search of … some ObamaCare, as Michelle must get lonely when Barack’s abroad.
I appreciated you … waiting on my table this week. I would’ve appreciated it even more if you’d placed the napkin in my lap.
I hope to see you … at Grumpy’s for the NCAA semis. How about Mountaineering my Blue Devil?
I saw you … at the post office this week applying for a box. I’ll bet they gave you a box somewhere around boob height. When they’re not shooting people, those postal workers can be devious.
I hope to see you … at Earth Day next weekend so you can help me figure out how to be greener. Does doing it in the back of my Prius count?
I heard … Woolly’s throwing out the first pitch at a Dodger game in May. If Woolly can run out to the mound without falling down, Joe Torre may ask Woolly to replace Manny in left field by the 7th inning.
I saw you … at Bishop Country Club last weekend. Heartening to see you can bend over for something other than a Council meeting.
I saw you … at Carl’s Jr. You were buying the $6 burger for $3.99. Reminded me of our one-night stand. I bought 6 and got 4” worth.
I saw you … at the candidates forum in Walker. Too bad you didn’t have a teleprompter. “I’m Bobby Tems? Damnit. I thought I was Ron Burgundy.”
In search of … an insanity plea, but I don’t know of a woman who will cop to it.
I saw you … lost your electoral bid. Bummer. On a positive note, now that the race is over, it might give you time to find your shoes.
I saw you … continue the Townh Council meeting to Thursday, thui conflicting with Game 7 of the Lakers-Celtics series. No wonder politicians are unpopular.
I hope you … will join the parade into my bedroom. Do you mind if Lunch and McKenna do the announcing?
I hope to see you … at Grumpy’s hot dog eating contest after the parade. I hope what they say about the power of suggestion is true.
I saw you … were planning to make “The Decision.” To do what? Choke in another city?
I heard … this joke and it reminded me of you. Do you know how BP plans to stop the oil leak? By putting a wedding ring around it.
I see … that Lindsay Lohan is going to jail. Which is exactly where I should have been after that Herbie the Love Bug remake came out.
I heard you … were conceived in the Whiskey Creek bathroom. Anyu chance you’d like to carry on the family tradition?
I saw you … are getting your strength back. Which means the ladies will soon be calling you Papa Ooo Moomaw again.
In search of … a caddy to help read my girlfriend’s greens. Must be discreet.
In search of … a Merry wife, but knowing that’s physically and emotionally impossible, will settle for a bad-tempered one with a foot fetish. In search of … some blue skies, but will settle for some shade under your perfect abs.
I’ll see you … at Mammoth Rocks. I’m hoping to pick up a Wayward Son, but will settle for a Wayward Anyone.
I saw you … joined my fantasy league. Sweet! Have you seen the movie “Dionner for Schmucks?” You’re that guy.
I hope you’ll be my partner for … the Labor Day Doubles Tournament. I may not have a big serve, but boy can I cover some court!
In search of … all runner-ups from Whiskey Creek’s Jell-O wrestling contest. Hey ladies, I’ve got my own inflatable pool filled with Jell-O, so if you can’t be Whiskey’s champion, why not swing by my house and compete for the title of Minx of Mono Street?
I hear you … have been taking your Town-issued vehicle up to Oregon for booty calls. As they say, any Portland in a storm!
I saw you … were named an American Idol judge. This further confirms that the show is just like Love in an Elevator.
In search of … someone who knows how to prepare squirrel so I can at least derive some benefit from these power outages.
I hope to see you … at a screening of Wall Street 2. By the way, could you spring for the popcorn? Money may never sleep, but mine’s definitely moved out of town.
I saw you … at the Taco Eating contest. If you could have stuffed me like you stuffed tacos, we’d still be dating.
I saw you … at the Valdur show. That’s a good venue for you, as it makes conversation impossible.
I saw you … finished your Council meeting in 15 minutes on Wednesday. Seems a bit cruel. First you fire the top brass and then you take away their overtime?
In search of … your vote. Am willing to do whatever’s necessary. Just don’t tell my wife.
I hope I don’t see you … at next weekend’s Creepy Crawl. Speaking of crawling, maybe you should dress up as a crab, since that’s what you gave me last winter.
I hope I don’t see you … after Election Day, because that would mean I’m in court.
I saw you … are rooting for the Rangers in the World Series. I figured that with all of the Cialis commercials, everyone would be rooting for the Giants.
I see you … everywhere. Your name is Taylor Swift. Go away.
I saw you … playing McNopoly. I’d have asked you out, but I realized I had better odds just playing McNopoly, too.
I saw you … celebrating the Giants’ World Series title. You know, I fear the Beard too. You might try waxing.
I saw you … waiting for a bus on Lupin Street. Meg Whitman was there, too, waiting for another 3 million votes.
In search of … someone to take me in for Thanksgiving. Pros: Good table manners, a moderate appetite and not picky about whether served white meat or dark meat. Cons: May not leave until April.
I heard you … shot your television when you saw Bristol Palin made it to the next round of Dancing with the Stars. Not original. In Alaska, they call that changing the channel.
I hope to see you … at Lakanuki on Thanksgiving night. Especially if I don’t get enough dark meat during the day.
In search of … some of that $246 billion in unspent stimulus funds. I think my driveway qualifies as a shovel-ready project.
I heard you … found alien life at Mono Lake. I tend to find the same thing at Hyde Lounge.
In search of … material for Wikileaks. Some sample topics which might prove fascinating: The Lupin Street bus stop. McDonald’s sauce policy. Where Horizon Airlines actually flies to when they’re not flying to Mammoth – are they flying over Mono Lake?
In search of … someone to kiss under the Cameltoe.
In search of … a real Christmas tree, if only to humor the cat. Pussy loves shiny things!