Horrorscopes
By Clouds McCloud
Capricorn: The Zodiac is basically a belt of Stars that follows the path of the Sun around the Earth. In one form or another, it’s been used as a guide by mankind since about 3000 B. C. (which, despite local myth, doesn’t stand for “Before Coors”). To help make the most of your Horrorscope you’ve simple got to believe in it almost as much as you believe in yourself.
Aquarius: Aquarians are said to possess magical qualities that make them appear glorious and glamorous to the rest of us. Of course even the most glamorous and glorious people sometimes look like they’ve been run over by an irrational mule deer. To make sure you’re living more like Bambi than like the business end of a 20-mule team, be sure to be thankful any time the rest of us “ooh and aahh” for you.
Pisces: This much we know is true: The Wu Tang Clan ain’t nothing to (expletive deleted) with. Most surfers don’t eat shark meat because they think it’s bad karma. Pisces need to find ways to ground themselves and be more in the “here and now,” and not just in the “there and later.” And a solid scapegoat is sometimes better than a solution.
Aries: Here are your servings of wisdom for the week: The secret to life is thankfulness for what you have. There’s no point in rushing if you don’t know where you’re headed. The secret to success is a belief that you deserve it. The secret to love is acceptance and regular sessions of “You rub mine, I’ll rub yours.”
Taurus: One of the things separating Clouds from other astrologers is Clouds’ innate ability to use terms like “no pants dance” and “love monkey” ad nauseum. That and the fact that Clouds doesn’t read the Stars so much as feel them up. What is separating you from everyone else is your drive to succeed, and your ability to always make success a reality no matter how much it wants to stay in the Land of Make Believe.
Gemini: The road for Geminis has been a little rocky recently. Luckily, that’s why they make air shocks for autos, butt pads for snowboard pants and feel-good movies such as “Rocky.” Life is tough, so it’s important that you be tougher. Therefore, your assignment for the week is to occasionally raise up your fists and belt out the chorus to Survivor’s “Eye of the Tiger.”
Cancer: Flirting is always the first step in any relationship, and is usually followed by sex, love, marriage, kids, disinterest and awkward hugs at family gatherings. To help prevent your relationship from meeting such a tragically common end, remember to flirt like you’re still drunk, horny and single again every once and while.
Leo: As pretty as you are, you know you could have been a flower. If looks were a minute, you know you could have been an hour. Well, you could have been anything that you wanted to be, Clouds can tell, by the way you do the things you do. Obviously, as this Temptations’ classic suggests, your advice for the week is to simply be, accept and love yourself—which you must admit is pretty damn tempting.
Virgo: You’ve basically got two choices in any tough situation: you can either put up your defensive dukes or you can open your heart. Most of the time it’s best to open your heart, but occasionally it comes in handy to come out swinging. As the legendary pugilistic trainer Cus D’Amato said, “A guy born round don’t die square.”
Libra: The Stars say you should get out there and start using your famous Libra charm on people that have never experienced it before. Therefore, your assignment for the week is to expand your Universe and talk to strangers. Just please be sure not to take any candy from them, unless, of course, it’s in the form of underpants.
Scorpio: Since Mercury will be hanging out with Capricorn for the rest of month expect people, including yourself, to be more mellow and focused. To help you become more focused, take a couple minutes each day to dream about what you truly want from your life. To help, try figuring out which member of the Ass family you really are: Wise, Smart, Lazy, Kiss, Dumb or Sweet.
Sagittarius: The good people of this sign are at their best when they’re being positive and hopeful. To help you maintain this type of attitude, be thankful of the positives in your life and practice your new mantra: “Every part of me is worthy of love and praise, even the ugly, awkward and occasionally moronic parts!”
