Horrorscopes
By Clouds McCloud
Aquarius: There’s been a lot of ass-trological confusion recently about the so-called discovery of a 13th sign. To help you get ahold of your proper sign, you know you’re an Aquarian if: You dislike stagnancy, despise ideas that don’t come from you, have a great capacity to complain and have a natural ability to put the “XXX” in exxxcellence.
Pisces: Despite the claims of some guy from Minnesota, folks have long known about the constellation known as Serpentarius. This discovery changes nothing for you. But if you have any doubts, here are some Pisces attributes: They have nice eyes, wandering souls, flow like a river (or at least like a bunch of partiers on the Lower O), and possess an energy that draws others to them like ski bums to a keg party.
Aries: A recent study discovered that a person’s walking speed can be used as a gauge for life expectancy in older adults. Basically, the faster you walk, the longer you live. Yet another reason why it’s fun to pretend you’re being chased. Lucky for any true Aries, running in circles is your natural gait, and concentric circles at that. Carry on!
Taurus: Clouds would like to reassure all you good people, who are as solid as an emerald, your birth sign, which protects you against deceit. Regardless of widespread rumors that your sign may have changed, you know you’re still a Taurus if you: usually consider “change” to be a four-letter word; are affectionate and a bit on the possessive side; and take great care of those lucky enough to become your “Precious”/possession.
Gemini: With astrology getting lots of headlines recently, confusion is spreading like peanut butter on the business end of a PB & J. To help with any confusion, you know that you’re a Gemini if: it always feels as though there are two of you in there; you hop from one thing in life to the next the way Tigger bounces all over the Hundred Acre Wood; this A. A. Milne quote makes you smile: “To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.”
Cancer: In general, astrology is a blueprint. Depending upon when you were born, the Stars give specific clues about your life. In case you were wondering if you’re still a Cancer, ask yourself the following: Do you love with a passion as deep as the sea? Would you ever say this Rob Valentine line to someone, “I’d rather be totally annoyed by you than not have you around at all?” If so, then yes, you are.
Leo: Humans are social, but unlike other species, say lions, we sometimes forget what’s really important. Leos are coming to the close of just such a period and will soon regain their place atop the pride. After all, real members of this sign know that’s where they belong, and they also really enjoy the occasional tongue bath.
Virgo: In case you’ve questioned your Virgo-ness this week, answer these Virgo-slanted questions: Do you believe there’s a difference between being lost and just not being where you want to be? Does your tongue sometimes resemble a Ginsu knife when speaking of (or to) others? Are you known for putting the “anal” in analytical? If “yes,” question no longer!
Libra: According to the latest astrological theory being espoused that there’s a 13th sign, lots of current and potential Libras may be questioning their Horrorscope. To help you figure out who you are, here’s a list of Libra traits: social as butterflies; peaceful as hippies; as fickle with love; appreciators of beauty the way Hugh Hefner appreciates silicon.
Scorpio: There’s been some recent speculation, spreading around like juicy gossip through a cocktail party, that most Scorpios are actually Libras. If you’re wondering whether you’re still a Scorpio, ask yourself this: Am I a powerful, secretive, sexy, live-in-the moment, consequences-be-damned kind of person? If you answered, “Hell yeah!” fear not … you’re still a Scorpio.
Sagittarius: According to one headline-grabbing astronomer, most of the members of this sign are now part of a sign called Ophiuchus. The good news: this sign, the “Serpent Holder,” attracts good luck and has gifts to heal the ills of man. The other good news: this shouldn’t change much for you, except making you more powerful. Therefore, your new mantra comes from Popeye: “I yam what I yam.”
Capricorn: In case you were wondering if you’re still truly a Capricorn, ask yourself the following question: Am I ambitious, practical, reserved, a bit miserly and occasionally feel as pessimistic as someone trying to play leap frog with a unicorn? Clouds rests his case.
