Horrorscopes
By Clouds McCloud
Aquarius: To celebrate your birthday, Clouds would like to give Aquarians the following gift: Never forget the power of your words, especially words such as these: Love. Hate. Thanks. You suck. I rock. Let’s roll. Have faith. You are definitely a few fries short of a Happy Meal.
Pisces: A recent study declared that Thursday nights are the most depressing time of the week, and that New York City at that time is the most depressed place to be. In case the winter blues are getting to you, Clouds advises allowing yourself to be a terrible host for depression by following the line of author Alan Zweibel: “Depression has always been a moody guest that stays until I get bored with pampering it.”
Aries: The Ram sign’s advice for the week comes from a member of your sibling sign of Capricorn (The Goat), Rod Stewart: “Couldn’t quote you Dickens, Shelley or Keats, ‘cause it’s all been said before: Make the best out of a bad situation. Just laugh it off. You didn’t ask to come here anyway.”
Taurus: It’s awfully tough in the midst of winter’s darkest days to stay in touch with our bodies because they’re usually buried under bulky sweaters and stuffy underpants. Therefore, your assignment is to remember that just about the happiest any of us ever really gets is when we’ve got nothing on but the radio and a smile, and we’ve got an extra pair hands around to help fiddle with the knobs.
Gemini: Studies have shown that dog owners are happier and healthier than people without canine companions. The bottom line is that it’s nice to have somebody around that you can pat and who can lick your ears and neck every once in awhile. But one you can also leave tied up in the backyard or alone in the car for a while — traits most Geminis wish could be passed off to people in their lives.
Cancer: Physical contact, in any of the various states of dress and undress, is a very important part of what makes a true love connection to Cancerians. Which explains why 3 out every 5 PDAs (Public Displays of Affection) usually involve Cancer, or as Clouds likes to call them, “Those Love-addicted Little Horn Dogs.”
Leo: Members of this sign will be fighting moments when they feel unappreciated or ignored this week, and if they lose, they’ll probably be getting in fights of other sorts. And just because you can win doesn’t mean you should fight. So Leos, it’s important to remember that your sharp-clawed paws are meant for hugging, your wicked tongue is meant for licking and you are always at your finest when you’re simply purring right along.
Virgo: Your advice for the week is to listen to more country music. That’s because country music registers much higher on the enlightenment scale than just about any other form of the auditory art. In case you forgot, all it really comes down to anyways is keeping the pickup truck running, mending busted hearts and having a faithful old dog.
Libra: One of the things that Libras inherently understand, but don’t often follow, is that it’s okay every once in awhile to let go and cry out for the Heavens to take the wheel. That’s what they’re there for, to help us mere mortals out when we really need it. As a reward they get to celebrate like Super Bowl winners when we succeed and laugh like stoned monkeys at us when we stumble.
Scorpio: Since the most important and powerful thing in life is love, your faithful servant, Clouds, suggests taking the following lines to heart — and feel free to substitute “Clouds” for “baby”: From Los Lonely Boys: “I’m looking at a rainbow, way out across them hills. And my baby’s love is with me and I know that it is real.” And from the classic one-liner: “Anyone who says they slept like a baby has obviously never had one.”
Sagittarius: Scientists have determined that for dolphins to be happy and healthy they need to have forms of sexual expression. To help you get in touch with your inner Flipper, try this line out: “Is that a Sea Monkey in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
Capricorn: It sounds as though the Stars are saying the best advice for you this week will come from one of your friends. So, keep your ears and your bananas peeled. Unless you don’t like bananas, in which case you’d better find another good source of potassium.
