Horrorscopes
By Clouds McCloud
Pisces: Tensions have been running a little high lately. To ease things a bit, be sure to do the following three things: 1) Don’t take other people too personally. 2) Find healthy, legal in all states north of the Bible belt, ways to relieve stress. Tres) Make this your new motto: “The only difference between ‘Victim’ and ‘Victor’ are a couple of measly letters!”
Aries: The part of the body associated with Aries is the head. As a result of this, Aries often suffer from headaches. Of course there are only three know cures for headaches: aspirin, water and whoopee. To help out with the latter, try out this line: “Are you into casual sex, or should I dress up?”
Taurus: Never underestimate the human need for hope. For we need hope as much as we need food or air, love or six-packs of cheap beer. To keep you hopeful, be kind, don’t let anger get the better of you, and follow the words of the late, but always great Bob Hope: “I’ve always been in the right place at the right time. Of course, I steered myself there.”
Gemini: One thing that sometimes gets you Geminis in trouble is that you like to make judgments before you know all the facts. To help, remember that humans are naturally gifted at putting up false fronts. For example, both the parents from Family Ties — about an idyllic American family in the 80s — have turned out to be gay. To help you be more open and accepting, try dropping your Alex P. Keaton attitude: “Mallory, someone stupid called sometime today about something trivial.”
Cancer: The Stars report that you’re feeling self-conscious about something right now and it may be holding you back. On that note, try to keep in mind that nobody is perfect. Even Clouds isn’t perfect, although Clouds’ goal is never to achieve perfection, only satisfaction. And regardless of what the Rolling Stones may say, it really is easy to get some.
Leo: Your McNuggets of wisdom for the week are inspired by one of Clouds’ heroes, Joel Osteen: “Be thankful for your enemies, they’re the foot stools that make you work harder to achieve more. You can never change what you tolerate. Let God be the judge of who goes to heaven and who goes much further south.”
Virgo: It’s always good to remember that thoughts become things. With that in mind, it’s best to keep your thoughts positive, as well as slightly perverted, at all times. Studies have shown that sex helps relieve stress, cure headaches and, when preformed properly, gives you the warm fuzzies when you’re done.
Libra: Studies have shown that the average child laughs 200 times per day, but the average adult only laughs 4 times per day. Therefore, to help you tap back into your inner child and raise that average, pick a new bumper sticker from the following: “How is it that stupid people can be such smart-asses?” “I brake for no apparent reason.” And one of Clouds’ favorites: “I can hold my own, but I’d rather hold yours.”
Scorpio: It’s a simple equation backed by study after study: the happier, more positive and joyful you are, the healthier you’ll be, the more likely you’ll be to have great relationships and the longer you’ll live. To help, remember that laughter is the best medicine. And here’s a dose: “Jesus may love you, but the rest of us think you’re a dickhead!
Sagittarius: Your new assignment is simple: remember that life is little more than an illusion and you’re the Illusionist. To help, your new role model is Arthur Fonzarelli, aka “The Fonz” of Happy Days fame. You see, there was nothing special about the Fonz, except for his leather jacket and his attitude. Therefore, start saying “Aaayyy!” more often and repeat this Fonz line regularly: “Hey, I’m not the dreamer. I’m the dreamee!”
Capricorn: There’s a simple reason why things are and always have been rocky in the amorous affair of Kermit the Frog and Miss Piggy. It’s because love is the most challenging endeavor that any man, woman, frog or pig will ever tackle. So pick a partner that gives you a real shot at being successful in love, such as a Taurus, Virgo or Pisces. And remember that it’s never a good idea to fall for a pig just because you have a thing for bacon.
Aquarius: In case you’ve forgotten, and the Stars insist that some of you Aquarians have, it’s all about attitude. If you think of yourself as a Sally Sobstory, Harry Hardluck, or Pat Thetic, then that’s exactly who you’ll become. Therefore, your new assignment is to think of yourself as a Sally Successfulsexpot, Harry Happilyhorny or Pat A. Winner instead.
