Horrorscopes
By Clouds McCloud
Taurus: According to the Chinese calendar, we’re currently in the midst of the Year of the Rabbit. So Clouds thought it might be a good idea to remind you that this, after all, is a lucky year. To help you be as lucky as you should be, be sure to believe that you are. And use cheesy but funny lines when you want to get lucky. Clouds recommends the following as an example: “If you’ll be my Wow Wow Wubbzy. I’ll be your Captain Underpants!”
Gemini: Pato Banton is playing his magical music in the Eastern Sierra this weekend. Therefore, this would be a good time to add some common sense and/or sensimilla to your life, so long as you take both in moderation. It would also be wise to sing along with Pato: “Ooh yeah. Live the life you love. Love the life you life. And no matter what the crisis is: Stay Positive! Stay Positive! Stay, Stay, Positive!”
Cancer: Of the numerous faiths in the world, there’s one known as Wicca. Its basic beliefs are: woman are at least equal to men; it’s important to preserve the planet; and sexuality is a gift from the Goddess. Since you now probably know at least one thing about people who believe in Wicca that you like, your mind just opened a bit more. Enjoy the fresh air.
Leo: One faith, referred to as Rastamen, believe that the lion is the highest life form there is. They refer to great “mons,” and great “wo-mons” as “lions” and “lionesses.” In case you forgot, dear Leo, you are the sign of the lion. So assume your rightful place at the top of the food chain. Just remember not to be a cranky kitty with your power, and take it easy on the catnip.
Virgo: Since life is actually much simpler than most Virgos make it out to be, here are your reminders to keep it simple and positive this and every other blessed week: From an old Portuguese saying, “Change yourself and fortune will change with you.” And from Clouds, “You don’t have to change your underwear to change the world. You’ll just be happy you did when you do.”
Libra: Studies done by people with a gift for writing ridiculous grants have shown that personality traits equate with ice cream preference. Therefore, your somewhat useful news for the week: Vanilla fans are impulsive, goal setters who enjoy family. Chocolate fans are creative, dramatic folks who bore easily. Chocolate chippers are generous, competitive and ambitious when focused. Strawberry fans are shy, yet strong, opinioned and self-critical. No news on Chunky Monkey or Rocky Road fans yet.
Scorpio: It’s natural to be feeling a bit frumpy, or even down right fat, as another long winter gives way to the warmer, skin-revealing months. Therefore, your new assignment is to do something outside everyday, even just a short walk … and only use “fat” when spelling it “phat!”
Sagittarius: You folks are at your best when you are relaxed and have faith in others as well as yourselves. Since the best way to accomplish this is by tapping into your sense of humor, here are your silly mantras for the week: 1)“I’m not insensitive. I just don’t give a crap.” 2) “The only reason people are out to get me is because I’m paranoid.” 222) “Without geography, we’re nowhere.”
Capricorn: With the Sun making its way through Taurus, the most powerful words right now are: “possessive, sensual, determined and practical.” Which are somewhat conflicting. Therefore, don’t yell words like these at anybody: “I used to think you were a pain in the neck. Now I realize you’re a pain much lower.”
Aquarius: Here’s your anti-advice for the week: “When in doubt, mumble.” Your questionable advice: “All generalizations are false, even this one.” And the best advice, courtesy of Yogi Berra: “If you don’t know where you’re going, you’ll wind up someplace else.”
Pisces: Spring, especially in its early stages, can be tough for fish, and for people of water signs. Pisces is also a mutable sign and can basically inhabit two spheres. To assure your sphere doesn’t have your head anywhere near your derriere, sing along to G. Love and Special Sauce: “Dreams are like fish. You got to keep on reelin’!”
Aries: Like Cancer, Libra and Capricorn, Aries is a Cardinal sign. This doesn’t mean you have to be a Cardinals fan; the Cubs are, after all, the ones who really need support. It does mean, however, that you’re a natural born leader and innovator. So remember, its better to lead by inspiration than fear. Sometimes all you’ve got to do is buy ‘em a couple of beers.
