Horrorscopes
By Clouds McCloud
Gemini: Depending upon precisely when you are born, the signs before or after yours have an influence on you. To put it simply, those born at the end of one sign, say Gemini, can pick up traits of the next sign, in this case Cancer. What does this mean? Maybe nothing, or maybe it explains why you have a thing for bellies and boobs (man or otherwise) — the body parts ruled by Cancerians.
Cancer: Clouds demands that the people of this sign become believers in “Positive Psychology.” As the theory’s founder, Martin Seligman, puts it, “Finding permanent and universal causes for misfortune is the practice of despair. Finding temporary and specific causes for misfortune is the art of hope.” So, here’s hoping you can follow this and stop letting negativity give you so many wedgies.
Leo: Your new role model is Boston Bruins goalie Tim Thomas. Despite constantly being told he wasn’t good enough, Thomas just kept working hard and believing in himself. And despite not making it to the big leagues until he was 32, he is now, at 37, considered the best goalie in the world. “I won’t lie. I was nervous,” he said after helping his team win the world’s most famous drinking vessel. “But I faked it as well as I could, and I faked it all the way to the Stanley Cup.”
Virgo: The remains of the world’s smallest dinosaur were found earlier this month. The tiny dino, Ashdown maniraptorian, was only about 16 inches tall and roamed around about 100 million years ago. Now that you’ve officially learned something today, go do something so fun that it’s likely illegal in the Middle East and parts of Arkansas.
Libra: Studies have shown that when women get a bad night’s sleep they are more likely be negative and argumentative towards their partners. Men, on the other hand, don’t seem to change much regardless of sleep. How much “lovin’” they get is, however, a different matter. Nonetheless, make sure you do whatever you need to do to catch some Zs and then put them in a sleeper hold.
Scorpio: This much we know is true: Writers do it literally. Burger flippers do it with grease. Dancers do it with rhythm. Evolved folks do it with joy. And Scorpios only do things well when they do them with passion and with their big, juicy hearts.
Sagittarius: Earlier this week, some slightly sick — yet marketing savvy — folks started selling Rep. Weiner dolls in honor of the scandalized New York politician. The anatomically correct dolls are selling like hotcakes. So this should once again remind us all that “sexting” usually leads to getting screwed. So think twice before you hit “send.”
Capricorn: The Stars say now is the ideal time for Caps to heal something that’s been hindering them. Of course the best way to heal anything is through honesty, acceptance and full nudity. Clothes can be so inhibiting when you’re healing, accepting or going for a casual stroll in the moonlight.
Aquarius: If you ever find yourself feeling like a failure with the way things are going in your life, all you have to do to find success is be thankful for all you have and all you’ve accomplished so far in life. It also helps to strip down to your skivvies and holler out, “I’m one hot piece of ass!”
Pisces: The people of this sign are usually more than capable of walking that fine line between brilliant and insane, as has been demonstrated for decades by fellow Pisces, Kelsey Grammer. Therefore, your psychological wisdom for the week comes from fella he played known as Frasier Crane: “Even the happiest of us can find reasons to be unhappy. So don’t look for them. In short, eat a cookie.”
Aries: The most important thing to do when something in life comes to a close is to come to a healthy, positive place with closure. All things do happen for a reason after all. To help, sing along with Lily Allen’s hit: “At first, when I see you cry, it makes me smile. Yeah it makes me smile. At worst I feel bad for a while. But then I just smile. I go ahead and smile.”
Taurus: Every couple of days the Moon moves from one sign to the next, sometimes causing a little chaos along the way. This is important for Tauruses to remember, because the Moon has a strong influence over you. This should also help explain why you sometimes feel out of sorts for a day or two — and should come in as a handy excuse then next time you get caught “mooning.”
