Horrorscopes
By Clouds McCloud
Cancer: Some pretty substantial events are in the forecast for Cancerians this summer. They may involve a move or a change in a close relationship. Whatever you do, be sure to embrace whatever change may come like it’s Faith Hill and Tim McGraw inviting you to skinny dip. And try not to treat it as though it’s Tom Cruise (a cute, nutty Cancer himself) and Katie Holmes asking if they can talk to you about Scientology.
Leo: When celebrating our nation’s birthday, remember to salute the flag, any and all soldiers, as well your own hard working, still-believing spirit. And be sure to sing along to the national anthem, even if you pull a “Christina Aguilera” and screw up the words.
Virgo: Members of this sign are always at their best when they are in a stable, accepting, loving and somewhat frisky relationship. Make sure your foundation is solid by remembering to accept others. Just remember that accepting people means not say things such as, “You make about as much sense as poop-flavored ice cream.”
Libra: To help you get in touch with your inner Buddha, your advice for the week comes from the late Buddhist philosopher Osho: “But this is how life is. The shaking and the trembling are part of being alive – the hesitation, the cloudiness, the vagueness. So, become happier; use the time that you have. A little caring, a little sharing, that’s all that life is.”
Scorpio: The Stars report that the celebration of America’s birthday will ring in a period of good times at work and in your personal relationships. And since it’s always a good idea to brush up on your poetry, enjoy a healthy serving of Ogden Nash: “To keep your marriage brimming/With love in the loving cup/Whenever you’re wrong admit it/Whenever you’re right shut up.”
Sagittarius: Make sure you’re seated and have your shoes off before reading this week’s Horrorscope. Ready? The Stars are so excited about your financial situation over the next 6 months that they keep asking one another if “that’s a wad of money in your pocket or if you’re just happy to see them.” To which the proper response is: “Ab-so-toot-ly!”
Capricorn: Usually, people have a professional life and a personal life and the two worlds rarely collide. So be sure not to let the frustration of one carry over into the other — else you may find yourself flipping out or being flipped off. Neither one is as fun as enjoying flapjacks with syrup and your satiated honey.
Aquarius: Over the course of any relationship (work, family, love, cell phone provider) fights are going to occur. The key is to make sure cooler heads prevail and no one starts saying harsh things such as: “Just out of curiosity, are your parents siblings?” or, “People like you are the reason I sniff glue!” Feel free to think such thoughts – just don’t Tweet ‘em.
Pisces: Since it’s often a lack of patience that leads to coming up just shy of successful, try making patience your new addiction. To help, your words of wisdom for the week come from a fellow Pisces, poet Henry Wadsworth Longfellow: “Let us, then, be up and doing/With a heart for any fate/Still achieving, still pursuing/Learn to labor and to wait.”
Aries: Career advancement is staring you right in the face. Therefore, your words of wisdom for the week come from one of Clouds’ heroes, George Carlin: “Always do whatever’s next.”
Taurus: As any set of young lovers demonstrates, smiling is one of the best things you can do with your mouth. Talking is another. As Dr. Ruth Westheimer reminds us, “Words can be sweetly encouraging or downright dirty, but they are almost always a powerful aphrodisiac … and if you’re healthy, educated and willing to communicate, then you can have sex until age 99.” Feel free to shoot for 100!
Gemini: Even though Twins-signers are arguably the most mutable members of the astrological world, they still sometimes fear change in the same irrational way that some folks are afraid of “Jazz Hands.” Therefore, your words of wisdom come from fellow Gemini and late trumpet great, Miles Davis: “If anybody wants to keep creating, then they have to be about change.”
