Horrorscopes

By Clouds McCloud

Leo:  Regardless of what the IRS says, you’re more than just a number. You’re more like a series of numbers, the winning numbers of the lottery. So make sure you’re not just sitting around on your bum feeling sorry for yourself, and start acting the way you should: as though you’ve just won $1 million, after taxes of course.

Virgo: Ben Flajnik was a pretty bummed out dude. He had been jilted on national TV by being the last guy to get dumped by The Bachelorette. But Ben’s loss soon turned to victory when he got a call after the show aired. It was hottie Jennifer Love Hewitt who asked him out. The lesson here: Sometimes when it seems like you’ve lost, you’ve really just made room for a hotter, wealthier booty prize.

Libra: If you feel like you’ve been working on the railroad, all the livelong day and just to pass the time away, then you’ll be that happy to hear the railroad is bringing success and advancement your way. By the way, success likes to be greeted by toots. Your own horn will do just fine.

Scorpio: It’s easy to get pissed off about summer traffic, high gas prices and the mess formerly known as our national government. But the real challenge is to keep your cool and not let something insignificant or, worse yet, out of your control get you so fired up that you lose your poop. Therefore, your new mantra is: Pointless hostility is the definition of futility!

Sagittarius: A new relationship is possible for you now, but it probably won’t start in the usual fashion. Not to say that it will be out of fashion, just a little behind the times. The Stars say an older person may be the right match for you, but that plaids, and stripes or socks and sandals are always bad matches for anyone.

Capricorn: The Stars say that you’re about to be cast as the star of your own reality show. So be prepared to put your wares on display. If you’re lucky and in need of one, you’ll have a great chance to find a partner to display yourself with. So a line such as this should help: “I envy your Chapstick!”

Aquarius: The following was posted on a Facebook page: “Clouds has a couple of good ones in there,” leaving Clouds with three options: Firstly) Be upset the person only liked a couple of Horrorscopes. Nextly) Feel insecure about the other 10. Lastly) Order a double-scoop ice cream cone with extra sprinkles as a reward for having anything, even one blessed syllable, of positivity passed along. Your assignment for the week is to figure out which one you’d have chosen.

Pisces: Here are your pieces of seemingly useless information for the week: The fastest racehorse never ran more than 43 mph. “The Lone Ranger” was the first TV series to air reruns. “Reruns” is slang for what happens to you after you’ve eaten a bad burrito. And as “What’s Happening” actor Fred Berry as “Rerun” once said, “All that’s good and pure is represented by a head of lettuce.”

Aries: Diamonds may be a girl’s best friend, leaving dogs to play that role for boys, but diamonds are also the lucky stones for Aries. When worn they help bring luck and success to Rams. So be advised that the key to finding success is to just accept it and to let yourselves shine on, you crazy diamonds.

Taurus: The recent full moon illuminated the bigger questions of life, such as: Is there a really a heaven, and if so does it have Barcaloungers? Can love really move mountains or just molehills? If you have a ménage-a-trois, just not the “right” kind, should you still brag about it? Remember it’s more important to love the questions than it is to worship the answers.

Gemini: The Stars say you should start feeling as though your personal, professional and love lives just got a tuneup. So here’s hoping you have one of the best nights of your life this week, and that even if you do get a flat tire, there’ll be somebody there to help you loosen your lug nuts.

Cancer: To help you get in the loving spirit of the time of Leo, pick your own pick up line: Bar) “You touch my soul, but I’d like you to touch something else.” Be) “You look hot, and not just in the beer goggle way.” Cue) Okay, I’m here. What are your other two wishes?”