Horrorscopes

By Clouds McCloud

Virgo: Your role model for the new school year is Kermit the Frog. Despite having 3,000 siblings, being the world’s only speaking frog and having legs Southerners enjoy fried, he went on to live the life he imagined. Kermit has been nominated for an Academy Award, earned a Doctorate and has been romanced by Jessica Simpson. So try to be more like Kermit, while keeping in mind it ain’t easy being green, and if it were easy, it wouldn’t be worth it anyway.

Libra: This much we know is true: most moms hope their daughters will marry better than they did, but don’t believe their sons will ever marry as great a wife as did their father. This much we also know is true: we are the only ones capable of controlling our attitude, which includes our appreciation/respect for others, our humility and our shag-ability.

Scorpio: You’ve just entered a perfect time for beginnings. Anything new you begin is certain to turn out terrific, so long as you stay positive and allow for the unexpected. Therefore your words of wisdom come from a fellow Scorpio, Goldie Hawn: “The only thing that will make you happy is being happy with who you are, and not who people think you are.” And now some Goldie Hawn humor: “There are only three ages for women in Hollywood: Babe, District Attorney and Driving Miss Daisy.”

Sagittarius: There are two ways to become rich: you can either acquire more or desire less. Keep in mind that desire doesn’t refer to sex; Clouds refers to sex. Therefore Clouds reminds you that no matter how much money you have or don’t have, you can always be rich in bumping donuts.

Capricorn: Home and family should take center stage for you as another summer comes to a close. Of course, as Robert Frost wrote, “Home is the place where, when you have to go there, they have to take you in.” But the great thing family always reminds us of is: Even though youth is fleeting, immaturity can last a lifetime.

Aquarius: It’s quite natural for all of us to feel, every once in awhile, as though no one in the world gives a rat’s patootie about us. But that’s not true; Clouds does and always will give a rat’s patootie about you, especially that sweet patootie of yours. Therefore, your new mantra is: “You’re damn Skippy I’m worth lovin!”

Pisces: The Stars report that you’ve been working on your toughness recently. This type of work is always important, since life is all about balance, and since Pisces tend to be have tough skin, but easily-bruised feelings. After all, sometimes life asks you to be as soft as a satin teddy, while other times you’ve got to be as tough as a pair of buttless leather chaps.

Aries: Since Aries can often be their own worst enemies, adopt a more Rastafarian attitude: believe in Universal love, treat the hippie lettuce with respect and sing along to Ziggy Marley; “Today you’re here. Tomorrow you say you’re gone. But ya gone so long. If there is no love in your heart, so sorry, than there is no hope for you.”

Taurus: With a new school year beginning, your first homework assignment is to memorize these words from late newscaster and fellow Taurus, Tim Russert. 1) “Believe in yourself.” Next) “It’s okay to be sacred.” C) “Remember the little things.” Q) “The older I get, the smarter my father seems to get.”

Gemini: Since it’s tough to be healthy in heart and soul when you’re physically feeling like dog doo, here are some real health statistics: People who eat omega-3 fatty fish three times a week are far less likely to get Alzheimer’s. Sitting for more than six hours a day dramatically increases a person’s chances of premature death. Healthy lovemaking, with a without or partner, is beneficial for both physical and mental health.

Cancer: Each sign has some less than positive attributes associated with it. For example, Geminis sometimes have the depth of birdbaths. Capricorns can be as cranky as overtired toddlers. And Cancerians can be as sloppy and clingy as wet dogs. Luckily, these afflictions are really opportunities to strengthen oneself — and the also come in handy as excuses when you’re feeling that way. You can just blame the Stars.

Leo: To help you prepare for the next great chapter in your life, try not to be a dickhead to anyone, no matter how much they deserve it. And make something similar such as this your new mantra: “Let go and let Dog!”