Horrorscopes
By Clouds McCloud
Virgo: Since Tuesday is your lucky day, here’s your new assignment, which should be repeated every Tuesday morning from now on. Begin the day by giving thanks to the Great One (sometimes referred to as “Wayne Gretzky”), and listening to The Freddy Jones Band, preferably before you take a shower so you can sing along while scrubbing your hot bod: “Tuesday morning never looked so good … I’m already in … in a daydream.”
Libra: You are very focused, but flighty people. While these traits have lots of benefits, they also can be a hindrance too. Therefore, try to stop and smell the roses, maybe water them and tell them they’re pretty a bit more often. To help, don’t repeat lines such as the following from Libra cusp, singer Ani DiFranco: “You make about as much sense as a nursery rhyme.”
Scorpio: The Stars report that Scorpios should be getting back in touch with their natural magnitude. So don’t be surprised if new opportunities start treating you like you’re upper-management and it’s bonus time. To help, listen to some MGMT: “This is what the world is for, making electricity. You can feel it in your mind. Oh you can do it all the time. Plug it in and change the world. Come turn me on with your electric feel.”
Sagittarius: Your useful advice comes from one of Clouds’ heroes, Joel Osteen: “Don’t ever start the day in neutral. You cannot wait to see what kind of day it’s going to be. You need to decide what kind of day it’s going to be … you need to kick it into gear. This is going to be a great day!” Your questionable advice comes from Clouds: “Don’t ever start your day without some boot/slipper knockin’ if you’ve got the chance.”
Capricorn: To the rest of us, Capricorns tend to be a bit on the “trippy” side. This doesn’t mean you literally trip a lot—just figuratively. To help, give the rest of us a break, our brains don’t work like yours. It might also help to remember you don’t have to be like fellow Cap, Chairman Mao Tse-Tung. You could, however, be like fellow Cap Ellen DeGeneres: “I really don’t think I need buns of steel. I’d be happy with buns of cinnamon.”
Aquarius: Members of this sign are a lot like Lucky Charms cereal: there’s something magically delicious about them. But unlike other signs the only way to the heart of an Aquarian is through the noggin, not through the cereal bowl, that is unless you serve them cereal in bed while reciting fellow Aquarian, John Travolta: “You know what I’m gonna do? I’m gonna to do something really outrageous. I’m going to tell the truth.”
Pisces: Clouds has always believed that telling the truth is the best policy, unless you can come up with a really entertaining lie, something that involves alligators or full frontal nudity. The Stars say your romantic life is about to get hotter than a microwaved burrito. Truth or lie? Take a bite of that burrito and find out!
Aries: Your astrological assignment is to be more like Stuart Smalley and start giving yourself daily affirmations. You know, spend time telling yourself things such as, “ I’m good enough, I’m smart enough and, doggone it, people find my (insert body part) irresistible and my (insert long-winded diatribes about your favorite hobby) priceless.”
Taurus: The Stars report that the little things in life are what you should focus on right now. That’s where beauty likes to hide. To help, groove along to some Maroon 5: “Just shoot for the stars, if it feels right. And aim for my heart, if you feel like … I’ll show you, I’ve got the moves like Jagger.”
Gemini: As another autumn arrives, it would behoove you Geminis to reflect on how to improve on any wrong turns you’ve made in life. Therefore, remember the words of architect, and fellow Gemini, Frank Lloyd Wright: “A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.”
Cancer: Since autumn is a great time to start getting cozy with someone special, here are your questionable “Let’s get cozy” lines: 2) “Can I buy you a drink, or would you prefer the money?” 4) “Besides being gorgeous, what else do you do?” 68) And from a Cancer named Austin: “You smell like a Glade Plug-in with boobs.”
Leo: Fellow Leo and the creator of the cartoon, Ziggy, Tom Wilson passed away recently. Therefore, your advice comes from Ziggy: 8)“How come ‘fat chance’ and ‘slim chance’ mean the same thing?” 9) “You can complain because roses have thorns, or you can rejoice because thorns have roses.” 0) “Honesty is the best image.”
