Horrorscopes

By Clouds McCloud

Libra: One of the biggest problems we have when it comes to fulfilling our dreams is that we don’t actually spend much time thinking about what they are. Instead we think about how we got screwed over or how unappreciated we are. To help solve this, try listening to the Allman Brothers: “Went up on the mountain to see what I could see. The whole world was fallin’ right down in front of me. Pull myself together. Put on a new face. Climb down off the hilltop, baby. Get back in the race.”

Scorpio: There are those who believe that intention is everything. They believe that success and failure depend more upon attitude than upon anything else. So your assignment is to test out this theory. See if entering into an interaction with a positive attitude actually helps you achieve success or at least some form of happiness. If it doesn’t, feel free to send angry letters to Gary Zukav and Deepak Chopra.

Sagittarius: One of the great attributes of Sags is that they tend to engulf the theory that “Life’s tough. So be tougher.” Since that’s the case, and since it wouldn’t hurt to soften things up with a little humor, your words of wisdom come from the legendary Betty White: “Why do people say, ‘grow some balls?’ Balls are weak and sensitive. If you wanna be tough, grow a vagina. Those things can take a pounding.”

Capricorn: Your new assignment is to stop asking how or when and to start saying things such as, “Thanks.” “I love you.” “ I believe.” “Clouds is a genius stud muffin!”  “Pants are overrated!” Remember that details are important, but not if they make you lose your view of the big picture, or cut into Horrorscopes reading time.

Aquarius: Your new role model is Seattle’s “Superhero” Phoenix Jones, who is one of almost 200 such people walking the city streets of our country fighting crime while dressed in some kind of superhero outfit. Remember that just because you’re wearing a costume, doesn’t mean you’re allowed to randomly pepper spray people or tell them how to live.

Pisces: In honor of the recent passing of Apple co-founder and fellow Pisces, Steve Jobs, remember to think big and to ponder some of his words: “Being the richest man in the cemetery doesn’t matter to me. Going to bed at night saying we’ve done something wonderful, that’s what matters to me.”

Aries: For the next few days, and for a few days in the middle of next week, the Stars will serve your life something along the lines of Redbull — except it won’t taste that crappy. So try to make the most of these days by staying structured enough to get things done, and don’t let yourself get all spazzed out and useless like a six-year-old who just ate an entire box of Krispy Kreme doughnuts.

Taurus: Since your amorous side should start feeling a bit enflamed, and since hunting season is swinging into to full blast, your lucky line is a popular pick up line for deer and elk: “Now that’s a nice rack.”

Gemini: Here are a few universal truths to help guide you: What we hate most about others are traits we possess. Anything worth having never comes easy. Bukowski is one of the greatest writers ever. Geminis are often impractical. Dyslexia is common among geniuses, which may explain why God spelled backwards is dog.

Cancer: You’re bound to be expanding your world and making new friends all fall long. To help guide you through this exciting time, keep in mind that people are a lot like snowflakes: no two are alike and they can both be awfully fun to catch on your tongue.

Leo: The Stars would like you to know that they are paving the parking lot of your success. But they need you to understand that it’ll include speed bumps and potholes, since they help cut down on teenagers doing donuts in the parking lot when it snows. But rest assured, there will be a donut doing area as well as spot with a nice view to go hang out when you’re feeling sort of glazed over like a donut, as Leos sometimes get.

Virgo: There’s nothing overly exciting going on for you right now astrologically. So the only advice you’re going to be getting this week is whatever advice you give. Therefore, you probably should start giving advice such as, “Attitude is everything,” or “If at first you don’t succeed, trying doing it naked.”