Sub-Zero Pooping Hero!
Well Ho, Ho, Ho what do you know? ‘Tis the holiday season once again. That wondrous time of the year when we happily swill eggnog (so long as it’s spiked) and celebrate the birth of baby Jesus (what about Hanukkah and Kwanzaa?) by giving our friends and relatives gifts they may neither want, need, nor know how to legally get rid of.
Such gifts are known as “White Elephants.” To help you avoid giving any, or to give you some good ideas for a White Elephant party, here are the Top 10 White Elephant gifts for 2011:
10. Chia Pets, Chia Professor, Chia Scooby Doo, Chia SpongeBob, Chia President Barack Obama or any of the other two million other products they make: In their defense, unlike real pets, Chia Pets never poop on the rug—and they do make a Chia Homer Simpson.
9. A Beer Holding Hoodie: Yes, they now make a hoodie that dispenses beer, cocktails, wine spritzers, etc. While some may argue this is American engineering at its finest, others may argue that both Camelbaks and the Santa Drinking Hat are much more impressive engineering marvels and that hoodies should be used to hold salty snacks like Beernuts.
8. Nothing: It’s an empty ball made by some people in England who’ve obviously spent too much time in the pub. At best, such a gift could be given as some kind of political statement, but those are best left for other holidays like Independence, Presidents’ or Valentine’s Days.
7. Smoking Mittens: Because that’s what fingerless gloves are for. Unless, of course, it’s because you want to hear the recipient recite that famous line from the film Johnny Dangerously: “I’ve been thinking of taking up smoking, and this clinches it.”
6. Ugly Sweaters: The world is plagued by ugly sweaters. Don’t be a part of the problem, be part of the solution.
5. iCarta: It’s an iPod playing toilet paper dispenser. Because this is really the type of gift you should give to yourself—and throw in some Glade while you’re at it.
4. A Nose Shower Gel and Shampoo Dispenser: There’s only one nose that should be shooting “Farmer’s Blows” in the shower and that’s yours.
3. Christmas Musical Albums by odd people: Everyone from the Chipmunks to James Brown and Billy Idol has put out a Christmas album or two. The general rule here is that if it hasn’t been done by a classic crooner such as Frank Sinatra, Nat King Cole or Celine Dion don’t go there. You’ll only encourage people such as Hansen, Rosie O’Donnell and Regis Philbin to keep making them.
2. Gag Lottery Tickets: Giving someone fake scratch lottery tickets that lets the recipient believe — at least for a few moments — that they’ve just won thousands and thousands of dollars is just wrong, plain and simple, and there’s a special place in Hell for people who pass these out. Although there’s a special place on YouTube for those who record such acts.
1. A Peeing Santa Drink Dispenser or Pooping Polar Bear Candy Dispenser: These are the types of gifts that cause kids to seek counseling when they’re adults … these things and those lines from “Santa Claus is Coming to Town:”
“He sees you when you’re sleeping. He knows when you’re awake. He knows if you’ve been bad or good so be good for goodness sake.”
Happy holidays and please be careful. Some big, bearded guy who looks like a biker dressed in drag will be watching you!
*Editor’s Addendum: Dave Leonard of the Booky Joint pointed out two more popular “adult” oriented gifts.
1.) A book by Adam Mansbach entitled “Go The F*** To Sleep,” perfect for any parent who has trouble getting the kids to bed.
2.) The Lindsay Lohan Playboy issue. One customer came in this week wishing to pre-order three copies. Lindsay’s personal woes have apparently not dented her sex appeal.