Horrorscopes
By Clouds McCloud
Capricorn: As a gift for your birthday, Clouds says you should start preparing yourself for wonderful changes in your life and wardrobe this year. To help you embrace this concept, practice smiling, graciously giving thanks and praise, then be sure to spend at least one minute every day staring at yourself in the mirror saying, “That’s right! You’re one gorgeous, successful, hot piece of ass!”
Aquarius: The Stars report that serendipity shall be smiling on you. For the first time in a while, you’ll be feeling anything but invisible, which is great since Aquarians like to be visible, especially when disrobing. To help make the most out of this time, your classic Aquarius words of wisdom come from sign mate, Franklin D. Roosevelt: “Be sincere; be brief; be seated.”
Pisces: The Stars say that your inner star is starting to get dusted off and will soon get washed and waxed — and if you’re lucky, it’ll get waxed in more ways than one (wink, wink). Therefore, remember that even the brightest stars are surrounded by other stars. So stay at least a little humble and try not to treat others the way Lady Gaga treats a thong.
Aries: A medical study was done to determine the value of an average sized human body. It turns out we’re each worth about $6 million. This being the case, your new assignment is to remember that even when it seems like life is short-changing you, you should still feel like you’re a million bucks.
Taurus: In an attempt to keep you on task, and to let you know that your task is a worthy one, your words of wisdom will come from fellow Taurus, George Clooney: 1) “You never really learn much from hearing yourself talk.” 2) “I’m kind of comfortable with getting older, because it’s better than the other option, which is being dead. So I’ll take getting older.”
Gemini: For the next few months you might get the odd feeling that something is happening here. But you don’t know what it is, do you Mister Jones? Listening to too much Bob Dylan could be causing this. To help, don’t sweat the small stuff. Instead try working up sweat listening to more uplifting music, such as Country or an L.L. Cool J rap.
Cancer: The following truths should help you get through some frustrations that may crop up: 1) Don’t ask for whom the bell tolls, just hope it doesn’t mean you’re late for class and up for detention. $) Money is the thing in life people argue about the most. III) If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it’s because he has a poor sense of direction.
Leo: Studies have proven that maintaining regular routines (sleeping, eating, making love, downing two glasses of beer/vino at the same time every day) is the key to health. So see if routine doesn’t make you happier and healthier. Dr. Clouds prescribes making love several times a day, in various rooms and/or parked vehicles … preferrably your own.
Virgo: As an Earth sign, Virgos have the most successful relationships (work, love, lust, carpooling, etc.) with water signs such as Scorpio, Pisces or Cancer. Of course, we usually think of earth and water as making little more than mud. But humans have been using mud as foundations for homes since the Stone Age. To help, here’s a line that might have been said by The Flintstones’ Betty Rubble: “You know, Barney, life is funny. One minute people are your best friends, and the next you’re fantasizing they’re being ripped apart by a pack of rabid wolves.”
Libra: According to certain branches of astrology, Libra women are considered the ideal lovers. This, naturally, means that the males of this sign usually aren’t too shabby themselves. Now that your ego is the size of Missoula, Mont., remember to share some of your loving abilities with those less fortunate and/or inferior to you.
Scorpio: Studies have shown that the more a sick person is prayed for, the more likely that patient is to recovery quicker and fuller. Of course, as a Scorpio you probably already knew this. Therefore, pray for yourself, and try mixing in someone other than Tom Brady or Eli Manning.
Sagittarius: Sagittarians are energetic, freedom loving, open-minded people, and so ambitious they occasionally do strange things such as think the grass is greener someplace else or refer to others as a word that sound like “Dippschmidts!” But with Mars messing things up lately, be sure to avoid tensions at work and with family, and try to find your groove. Happily do your thing, and your effort and patience will be rewarded this spring.
