Horrorscopes

By Clouds McCloud

Pisces: The birthday gift you should give to yourself this year is self-acceptance. After all, if you won’t accept yourself, why should we? And all we really want to do is accept you for the “healing, emotionally aware, extremely attractive, exceptionally unique individual, who’s best when shunning the spotlight, but embracing the candlelight while wearing little more than a ‘come-hither’ smile” you really are!

Aries: Just to illustrate how much the Stars love you, your ass-trological assignment for the next couple of months is to become a Lovemaking Maniac. To help, give yourself a nickname, such as “Mr. Lovemaster” or “Mrs. Shagsherbrainsout.” If you don’t have a lovemaking partner, the universe will send you one, so long as you send the universe some love first.

Taurus: If we all tried to wait until the midnight hour, regardless of what Wilson Picket might argue, then nothing would ever get done. Sometimes you’ve got to make your own time and this would be one of those times for you. So it may help to remember a Clouds’ take on the classic Henry David Thoreau line: “Time is but a stream I tinkle in.”

Gemini: The Stars are giving you a heads up that there will probably be some family tension for the first couple weeks of March. To help balance this out the Stars are going to toss some financial and career help your way later in the month. As the old saying goes: “Money can’t buy you love, but it can get you love Rent-A-Center-style.”

Cancer: Your McNuggets of wisdom for the week are: Cancer’s lucky numbers are 7 and 11. Listening to their favorite music helps stroke victims recover. Simply listening to Billy Squire’s “Stroke Me” is enough to put most men in the mood. The best part about life is that one person’s weird is another person’s wonderful.

Leo: Your mission for March is to keep happily trekking towards your dreams. Of course, the challenge for Leos is to not get sidetracked by the speed bumps of people less focused or impassioned than you are. Therefore, your new motto is: “Blessed are the flexible, for they never get bent out of shape.”

Virgo: A man from Minnesota recently claimed to have found a new astrological sign, which sparked lots of debate as to just how many signs there actually are. Of course, such things have always been occurring. Heck there was even a time when they thought there were only eight signs. Since your lucky numbers — 3 & 5 — equal 8, try remembering that life’s all about growth and deeper understanding. And anyone who doesn’t like this idea should consider getting a new license plates that say “H8ER.”

Libra: The good and exceptionally friendly and likeable people of this sign are always rich in friendships. Of course, the key to any true friendship is trust, followed quickly by similar hobbies, senses of humor and/or drinking ability. To celebrate, Clouds would like you to drink a few toasts to yourself this week — as usual, pants optional.

Scorpio: March is shaping up to be a very promising month for your love and social lives. Be sure to fully enjoy and embrace any opportunities. On the work front, be wary of recommendations from friends, as their opinions about these matters or people is likely to be about as fuzzy as the eyesight of someone who just drank a pitcher full of Fuzzy Navels.

Sagittarius: Since the Stars are waiting to help you answer some of your life’s biggest questions, you might as well start spending some time thinking about them. So here’s a couple on which you probably shouldn’t waste your time: 1) Why do they put Braille on drive-thru bank machines?  II)) Why do they say “a penny for your thoughts,” but when they want your opinion they ask you to put in your “two cents?”

Capricorn: It looks as though the only communication issues you’re going to be experiencing for the rest of the year are mostly home related. Therefore, your words of empathetic wisdom come from Cardinal sign member (Cancer), Dave Barry: “The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion or ethnic background is that we all believe we are above-average drivers.”

Aquarius: Here are your mental chew toys for the week: A) Studies have shown that enthusiastic people get promoted more often and get more “breaks” in life. B) You are 40% less likely to have a heart attack while you’re laughing. C) Most Aquarians get enough exercise pushing their luck. W) Save the whales! Collect the whole set!