If you can’t be the 1%, don’t be the 8%

The Jets had a press conference. A BIG ONE. For new backup QB Tim Tebow. Funniest line I’ve heard. “Now that they have two backup QBs, it’s time to find a starter.”

By the way, I am not buying  the Tim Tebow “Aw shucks, Gomer Pyle” act. It wears thin when someone is on TV and doing press conferences and commercials every chance he gets.

And why are people not dogging Tebow and his “people” for lying? When the trade to the Jets went down, the Tebow camp played along with public sentiment that indicated the Broncos should have traded Tebow to the Jags, which he reportedly should have wanted. Then John Elway said Tebow was involved in the decision and CHOSE the Jets instead. So the Tebow camp responded by saying Elway was lying.

I know who I believe.

Mike Greenberg from Mike and Mike had the nerve to say that people who are fans of the New Orleans Saints should “write the Pro Football Hall of Fame and tell them they are ruining their team’s season.” Why? ‘Cause one of the reasons given as to why Bill Parcells may not come out of retirement to coach the Saints for the banished Sean Payton is because if he does, they restart the clock on Parcells’ Hall of Fame eligibility.

So the NFL Hall of Fame should waive its rules to convince Parcells help coach the Saints? Ridiculous. The Hall of Fame isn’t ruining the Saints’ season; the Saints did that to themselves with their bounty program.

Former can’t-miss, #2 pick in the 1998 draft Ryan Leaf was arrested again this week. I am embarrassed to say I thought the Colts should have drafted him over Peyton Manning back in the day. Oops. That is why NFL teams get to do background checks and talk to the college coaches. The Colts figured that one out.

But Ryan Leaf got arrested the other day for stealing drugs from someone. This after a book tour where he had proclaimed his sobriety and recovery. Okay, a relapse.

So he gets arrested, posts bail, and gets arrested again the next day for doing the same thing. I guess he figured no one would suspect him for stealing drugs on the way home from being released from jail for … stealing drugs.

One of the great NFL Combine traditions is front and center again – the WUNDERLICH test.

Apparently, an LSU cornerback who is all the rage this year scored a 4. Now I know you are thinking, “Harold is about 9 Wild Turkeys in now and forgot a digit.” NO … and it wasn’t 4 on a 4 point scale. He got a 4 out of 50.

Now I am not one to believe these tests mean a whole lot. BUT if you score a 4, you either didn’t care, or you have a learning disability or something. But you know what … if he is a cornerback and scores a 2, but can cover Jerry Rice, I am still drafting him. I don’t need him to pass a physics test … I only need him to understand the physics of a ball in flight and then intercept it.

Go ahead and laugh now. Raven QB Joe Flacco, whom I perennially dog for his inflated perception of himself, recently announced in an interview that he is “the best QB in the league.”  Yeah, laugh harder. He deserves  it.

I know the apologists will come out later and say “If he didn’t feel that way he wouldn’t be a competitor.” But it’s a red flag when the supposed leader of your team proves to be wildly delusional.

Didn’t baseball have a bunch of labor issues and owners pissed off about player contracts?? Well, the Reds just gave Joey Votto a 12 year, $251 million deal. JOEY VOTTO. Are you kidding me? They will wonder why they are still paying him while he is averaging .250 and 27 HRs a year three years from now and curse his guaranteed contract.

An 83-year old woman is suing Apple for $1 million. Why? She was at an Apple store and upon leaving the store, the HIGH TECH MODERN INVISIBLE GLASS DOOR made it impossible for her to realize she was going to hit her face and break her nose.

First of all, she needs an escort if she can’t see glass doors. Second, she was 83. How do you gather enough momentum at 83 to break your nose? But most important … sometimes it’s your fault when you do stupid things.

Megamillions got up to $651 million and the true nature of assholes came out this week. A bunch of McDonalds workers entered a lottery pool and bought tickets together. Of course, they left it to the manager to buy the tickets. This manager claims the ticket that won wasn’t one of the ones bought for the pool, but one of the ones she bought for herself and doesn’t want to share with her co-workers. Hilarious. Can I supersize my disdain for you?

That person should get their money and then get run over by a bus tomorrow. And the bus should back up and trample her ass again.

Coolest guy on TV now. Raylan Givens of Justified on FX. That guy is hilarious. FX has the greatest shows now. They don’t mess around. Always Sunny, The Shield, Justified, Over There … great shows.

The Lakers are struggling with team chemistry, offense, and the coach. “Black Shrek” is benching Kobe and Andrew Bynum. Why? ‘Cause he is clueless. The Lakers got exactly what I told you they would get – a stagnant team with no offensive direction. They are a disaster. And it will end up with Kobe still standing and Black Shrek coaching the local WNBA  team.

Durbin Amendment. The Senator from Illinois who rocked the financial world by attacking fees charged by Visa and MasterCard is back at it again.

They claimed the amendment would help the consumer by reducing fees they are charged when in fact it was Walmart, Home Depot and other big ass stores that made out ‘cause you knew the banks would create more fees. AND THEY DID.

Now Senator Durbin has another monumental establishment to attack: The NFL. He wants Congress to look into the NFL bounty scandal. Why? He has nothing better to do? I think he should attack some meaningful things:

1. Gas prices. They should tell me why gas costs so much. It is utterly ridiculous.

2. The abuse of handicap stickers by fat people

3. Service animal abuse. How come everyone with a fat ass or ADD can now have a service animal to walk through the grocery store with?

American Idol. I like that Skylar Laine. LITTLE REBA I call her…….Her rendition of Stay With Me almost had me picking her to win, but I said she needs one more big one. One more moment. And tonight she did “Wind Beneath My Wings” and Little Reba took me. That was it. I love me some Reba Mcentire and I love me some Skylar Laine. Not in the same way now. Reba is a star musician and still hot as can be. A grown-ass woman. Skylar Laine is a star in the making……….but too young to be hot. BUT if I was 16, her redneck parents would be chasing me with any of their arsenal of private weapons.