Horrorscopes
By Clouds McCloud
Gemini: This next year of your life kicks off with great promise, so it’s the perfect time to move things in positive new directions. To help, give yourself the following birthday gifts: A list of your true goals in life. A list of what you do to help others. And a list of quotes that make you laugh, such as this one from fellow Gemini, Daniel Tosh: “Sometimes my mind wanders. Other times it leaves completely.”
Cancer: With lots of energy bouncing around your social life, be sure to enjoy it, just don’t neglect other parts of your life … your family, job or dog walking duties. To help you get some good karma, remember to carry pooper scoopers, and that flexible people never get bent out of shape — at least not without their consent!
Leo: There’s so much positive energy heading towards Leos right now that their cups don’t simply run over, they erupt like Mauna Loa. To make the most out this, be kind and considerate to others, especially those less fortunate, talented or driven. But also be sure to celebrate like you just arrived on holiday in Hawaii: wear tacky shirts, and be sure to stop and smell some good leis.
Virgo: To help you thoroughly enjoy all the wonders of spring, here are some universal truths: 1) The best things in life aren’t things. 2) It’s estimated that 75% of the world’s population doesn’t live under a proper roof. 33 1/3) Whenever people are belittling, they are being little, so it’s best to jump higher or swing lower.
Libra: The Stars report that your naturally curious side should have come out recently. To make the most out of it, try to find hidden jewels in your life you’ve overlooked: books, museums or historical markers, such as barstools at Rusty’s. And when you get bored, use this line to move on: “What do you say we get out of here? I think somebody farted.”
Scorpio: The best way to find — or reconnect with — your soulmate in life is to simply be yourself and to be open, accepting and maybe just a little tipsy. And since the spring is the perfect time to do any of the aforementioned (or possibly just some hot unmentionables) your words of self-acceptance will come from someone famous for his openness and honesty, Sir Mix-A-Lot: “I like big butts and I cannot lie.”
Sagittarius: There are those who believe that there are no such things as accidents, and that accidents are really the only acts of divine intervention in life. Therefore, keep your eyes peeled and be grateful for any such “accidents.” And here’s hoping that the worst accident you have involves you happily saying, “Oh, dear, I’ve accidentally dropped my drawers.”
Capricorn: With a holiday weekend upon us, don’t be surprised if you get a hankering for a “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off” from work. It’s okay, after all, we all need mental health days every now and again. Therefore, your new motto will come from another movie, Office Space: “It looks like you’ve been missing a lot of work lately? I wouldn’t say I’ve been missing it.”
Aquarius: Members of this sign are known for being attractive, fickle and having outstanding oratory abilities. This includes, but is not limited to: speech giving, choir singing, shower singing, hockey announcing, tonsil hockey playing, nape-of-the-neck nibbling, advice giving and extemporaneous talks about the possibilities of true love.
Pisces: You folks have the ability to not only bring great calm and compassion to any situation, but can also — when feeling mischievous — cause more chaos than a barrel full of monkeys slamming Redbulls. Therefore, remember that holding grudges only results in having to make appointments with the Chiropractor to straighten out your neck, back and sphincter, which usually costs extra.
Aries: Your lessons for life for the week are: Uno) Never call someone any kind of a “hole,” even when you’re so angry you could spit out of your piehole. Deuce) Donut holes and coffee can make anyone feel better, especially if you’re sharing that breakfast with someone you care about. And last but not least) Always watch out for your corn hole.
Taurus: Right now, you might be feeling as though Doubt could care less about calories and your life is the closest pastry shop. Your keys to survival will be to remember that it feels good to be appreciated, and you’re allowed to enjoy any type of pastry you want!
