Horrorscopes
By Clouds McCloud
Leo: Your role model for the next few weeks will be the nearsighted ne’er-do-well known as Mr. Quincy Magoo. You see, Mr. Magoo was always able to turn his biggest weakness (besides his eyesight) into his biggest strength: He refused to accept defeat. If you can try to be more steadfast and positive like Mr. Magoo, then you might just find what you’ve long been looking for.
Virgo: One of Clouds’ favorite people in Mammoth Lakes, former mayor Skip Harvey, passed away last week. Since Skip was so easy to make laugh and because he was such an active community member, your new assignment is to do something positive for your community (i.e. volunteer for something, clean up trash, stop complaining out loud) and to share something that makes you laugh (such as, “You’re never too old to do something stupid.”)
Libra: It looks as though this would be a good time for you to think about your dreams and make some plans to achieve them. Here’s hoping your plans are better thought out than the following one from Austin Powers: “First, I’m going to soil myself. Then I’m going to regroup and come up with a better plan.”
Scorpio: For some inexplicable reason, Scorpios tend to forget about the rules of karma, and then get frustrated when things and people don’t work out the way they’d planned. Therefore, your new mantra is: “When in need, plant a seed.” And your new good luck motto: “When life gives you lemons, add some vodka and throw a party!”
Sagittarius: Your big questions about the universe are: Why do they put pockets on baby clothes? Why do we sometimes feel like a nut and sometimes we don’t? Why don’t they call it a Few-some? And last, but certainly not least, Why don’t we all just accept that happiness is what life is really all about and quit our incessant complaining? Unless, of course, we’re complaining about being too worn out from all our boot-knocking.
Capricorn: Your love life should start getting about as hot as a campfire and since studies have shown shared laughter helps create great lovemaking, incorporate the following into your daily life: A) “Looks like there’s no reason to pitch your tent, you’ve already pitched mine.” B). “I’d really love to have text with you.” X) “Just wanted you to know that you’re in my inappropriate thoughts.”
Aquarius: The Stars report that this is the perfect time for you to make new friends or business acquaintances. So get out there and be your friendly self, and in case you want to keep your special friend happy and feeling wanted, try this line: “You know how I spell relief? Y-O-U! And when necessary, Y-O-U-R-S-T-R-U-L-Y!”
Pisces: The good — and sometimes inebriated — people of New Zealand got so fed up with their fellow countrymen giving their children moronic names, that they banned numerous names, such as “Talula Does The Hula From Hawaii,” “Fish and Chips,” and Clouds’ favorite, “Keenan Got Lucky.” Luckily, names such as “#26, ” “Kathy” and “Skip” are still allowed, which reminds Clouds that your lucky numbers are 2 and 6.
Aries: With the recent new moon falling during the golden summer days of Leo, your social life is bound to take a boost. To make the most out of it, here are a few lines from Leo and former Golden Girl, the late Estelle Getty: 1) “Age does not bring you wisdom, age brings you wrinkles.” 2) “If love means never having to say you’re sorry, then marriage means always having to say everything twice.” 3) “You can do anything you want to do.”
Taurus: Your new assignment is a pretty simple, although multifaceted, one: Remember to stop and smell the roses, to skip through the peonies, dance barefoot in the grass, skinny dip under the stars and regularly use the words “Thanks,” “Love” and “You make me happier than a horny toad on Viagra.”
Gemini: This next month will be the perfect time to work on your career. The Stars say they’ll help you leap tall buildings in a single bound, make progress faster than a speeding bullet and tap in to your potential like it’s a fresh keg. Unfortunately, you’re hosed on the X-ray vision part, but some things are better felt than seen anyway.
Cancer: Statistically speaking, you’re more likely to become a millionaire if you went to public school instead of private or home school. Unless, that is, you get home schooled by Donald Trump, in which case you’ll be a millionaire, but will always feel like your still missing something in life — a good hair role model, for example. Remember that even money and a comb-over can’t make you happy.
