The NFL season is edging closer. Thank God. How much more baseball can anyone take?
So check this out. It’s not enough for the Cleveland Browns to just have bad drafts once a year. This year, they made a selection in the 2nd round of the supplemental draft. A kid named Josh Gordon.
Now if you feel bad for saying “who?” I don’t blame you. I am a football junkie and I didn’t know who the hell he was.
The Browns insist he’s good enough to come in and start now and they are good with giving up a high second round pick because that is how good he should be. Really? So why was Gordon in the supplemental draft? Oh, he didn’t play in 2011 because he was kicked off the Baylor University team for smoking the wacky weed. So he didn’t play at all. He must be a physical freak … NO. 6’3” and 224 pounds. Blazing speed? No. Runs the 40 in 4.52. So he had a tremendous year in 2010, right? He caught 42 passes for 710 yards and 7 TDs.
So … what gives? GM Mike Holmgren is taking ever more desperate longshots in the hope that one hits to make him look smart.
One story I saw on nfl.com said that Gordon had “Randy Moss-type skills.”
And what are Randy Moss-type skills these days?
According to 49er Coach Jim Harbaugh, Moss is now the best receiver on the team. After 5 workouts in spandex. Hilarious. Moss is about 60 years old and a mental midget. He is one bad Alex Smith game from tearing that team apart. And why insult TE Vernon Davis like that?
NFL wants to implement new things to get people to come to NFL stadiums to watch games, seeing as the DirecTV experience is just so much better than seeing games in the nosebleeds for $100 a pop. They even want to invent an app to give fans in the stadium live feeds to hear what the coaches and players are saying on the field. That is genius. ‘Cause they already give us that on the NFL network as soon as the season is over. But better … imagine the Patriots with a live feed of what the Jets are saying ‘cause some Patriot scout is standing on the sidelines with that app on his iPhone.
If you want the fans to come back, here are a few ideas.
1.) Tell players to quit getting mugshots like Adrian Peterson’s. Always nice seeing one of the NFL’s golden boys getting arrested for drunk and disorderly, and then giving a goofy smile to the jail photographer. What is he smiling about?
I have been drunk and disorderly. Police found me in the street behind a van … in the middle of a city street, drunk. Wanna know the difference? I ain’t got $34 million and I am a happy drunk. The cop was laughing and thought I was harmless. Moral: Be a happy drunk. More ass. Less arrests.
2.) The NFL should spend more time on inventing an app that lowers prices, from tickets to parking to hot dogs to beer. Lower the price of beer from $34 to $6 and people might come back.
I have always said, sorry teams are sorry because they have poor leadership and make bad decisions. Take the St. Louis Rams. They hire Jeff Fisher, who has won as many Super Bowl games as a head coach as Mickey Mouse. They talk about his leadership. They say he is a classy coach.
Fisher turns around and hires Gregg Williams as Defensive Coordinator … who is immediately suspended for a year because he was the Saints’ Defensive Coordinator during the Bounty years.
Fisher then drafts some malcontents with character issues (This is, after all, the same guy who drafted Pacman Jones once upon a time). And everyone praises him for immediately improving the talent on the team. But I say, if you have to continuously question the player’s character, you may not need him.
The Rams say they are not worried about CB Janoris Jenkins, who was dismissed from the University of Florida football team for smoking more weed than Cheech and Chong.
People said Jenkins had turned over a new leaf … until it was discovered he has fathered 4 kids by 3 different women – something his college coach didn’t even know about because Jenkins hid it.
Now the Rams are trying to make him sign a contract that won’t pay him bonuses until each year rolls around to make sure they don’t give him too much money before he inevitably goes to jail. They also tried to make him use A FINANCIAL ADVISOR OF THEIR CHOICE, too. Hilarious. They already know he is a mess and they are still about to pay him multi-millions.
Janoris Jenkins is about to sign a new contract and another woman that he blessed with his reproductive matter is about to file a paternity lawsuit against him. Great. There is no correlation between reproduction and worthiness to reproduce.
I am still waiting to be president so I can institute my mandatory birth control laws. I can’t wait.
Damn, I can’t write fast enough to out-type the NFL arrest blotter. Seattle RB Marshawn Lynch AKA Beast Mode, got arrested … again. This time for DUI. And he didn’t just get a simple DUI; he was weaving back and forth across lanes and almost took out two other cars before the police stopped him.
This is the same guy who lost his license in 2008 because of a Hit-and-Run. Must’ve been drunk and took off. And he had a gun charge a couple of years ago. The Seahawks just gave him a huge contract and he celebrated by taking a drunk run through the streets.
Sorry teams suck ‘cause they make bad decisions.
… Like hiring Pete Carroll and paying Marshawn Lynch big money to be the centerpiece of your offense. Lynch and 3 mediocre QBs. Funny thing is Russell Wilson will win the starting job.
I heard a talk show host here in Seattle say he loves the Seattle WR corps and grades them a B+. Sidney Rice, their supposed top receiver, has had one season with more than 4 TD receptions in 5 years in the league. They say if he can stay healthy he is a number one receiver. That is like saying if my hair didn’t fall out, I wouldn’t be bald. Who’s the #2 receiver? Mike “Can’t pass a White Castle Burger without eating 30 of them” Williams? The Seahawks and their fans are delusional. 5-11.
Another arrest. This time it’s Cowboy WR Dez Bryant in trouble … for getting in a fight … with his MOMMA. Yes, he assaulted his momma. I DID NOT MAKE THIS UP.
That boy is a special kind of crazy. ‘Cuz everyone knows you don’t buck up to your momma, especially when she is black. Even if you are 6’5 and 300 pounds YOU NEVER think about raising a hand to your 3’4” 85 pound black momma. He actually hit her in the face with his baseball cap. His momma!!!! The police shoulnd’t even have to do an investigation. He shouldn’t get a trial. They should walk him right to the nearest senior center and let every person in the place beat his punk ass like he stole something or hit his momma – ‘CAUSE HE DID!
Congratulations Dez. You’ve just won the NFL arrest award. ‘Cause no one will beat this. ‘Cause no one beats their momma. Did I say he hit his momma??? Damn.
Tired of hearing about Jerry Sandusky. Solution to this problem: they should take Jerry Sandusky, do unto others, so to speak, preferably with a farm animal a la Mr. Ed, and release video of it to every registered sex offender. Would curb the problem immediately.
Anyone about to mortgage their NBA team’s future to trade for Dwight Howard should have his head checked. Howard is an immature child in a grown man’s body, someone who hasn’t really worked hard to develop his game and progress and wants the world to bend over and kiss his ass. The team that takes him on is selling their soul to the devil. I don’t want a superstar who doesn’t really want to get better. He is the same player he was when he came in the league.
Jeremy Lin is going to Houston. The Rockets gave a guy who’s started a total of 25 games in his career a contract worthy of a top-tier NBA player. Wow. I guess they need their next Yao Ming. The Knicks finally did something right by letting his ass go.
How historically bad is your baseball team when you select, for your team’s Hall of Fame … Dan Wilson. Dan Wilson? Is he one of the Beach Boys? Who is Dan Wilson? A former catcher for the Seattle Mariners. And who is hebeing inducted with? Randy Johnson. If I were Randy Johnson, I would refuse to show up. How bad is your franchise historically if Dan Wilson is in your Hall of Fame? He had one All Star year in 13 years in the league. He hit 88 career homers and batted .262 hitter.
Terrell Owens is about to go to jail for not paying $5,000 per month in child support. LOL. I am laughing ‘cause it’s funny. But it isn’t his fault. It is Trojan Condom’s fault. It is the fault of KY Jelly and Tequila. It is never his fault. But the worst part is with all the money he maid (Freudian slip?) he can’t pay $5,000 per month in child support. That is just sad.
Michael Irvin spoke at the NFL rookie symposium. The designated cautionary tale. But none of the hard heads heard him. They were busy in their heads planning house parties with knives and guns and s%$t. Bring back Kid N Play and an in-house DJ. Screw the iPod. Get one of your boys on the tables and mix it up. Oh La Oh La AAy. Rollin Rollin Rollin with Kid N Play …
Brook Lopez was considered as trade bait for Dwight Howard. He is 7 feet tall and averages less than 3 rebounds per game. Seriously. If you are 7 feet tall about 8 balls a game will hit you in the head … and you can only catch 3 of them? They should shoot you.
Editor’s note: In his last full season (not counting Lopez’s injury-plagued 2011-2012 season), Lopez averaged a shade under 6 rebounds per game.
What I love about summer
1. Summertime by Will Smith
2. Summertime in the LBC. The Dove Shack.
3. Summer by War
4. Summertime by Kenny Chesney
Short shorts. Love’ em. Short enough to think you see something, but long enough to hide some mystery.
The tight ass shirts. That little tattoo in the small of the back barely showing. You have to love that.
Summer dresses. Not too short. Show some thigh. Highlight the shoulders and back … ooooweeee.
What I hate about summer
Wifebeater tanks. Don’t do it. Just don’t do it. You are destined for an episode of COPS
Overalls with no shirts. Bad look. You are headed for the swamp people looking like that. Buy a banjo and a boat and hunt alligators.
Spandex on Whale Women. Just ‘cause you squeeze all of your size 43 ass into a size 13 spandex short doesn’t make you sexy. The sheer danger of you unleashing all that cottage cheese on someone is enough to prompt emergency procedures. Don’t put on spandex if you need a friend to help you put it on.
I was driving today and saw something I have seen a million times, but never get tired of … the guy walking down the street with 19 neck tattoos. Yes, walking the street with 19 neck tattoos and a smartphone. But he can’t afford a car or a bus pass. And this guy can’t look like a punk so he is eating chips while he walks. But there is more. He has the baggiest pants on the block. One hand on the chips, the other pulling up his pants that keep falling down. He has the hardest pimp … the meanest scowl … and he is listening to Rick Ross, the explicit version … and he is white. That is some funny s%$t. I try to make sure I stop every time. I make sure the radio is playing something nice … some Blues or 38 Special … just to mess with him. Make sure the air conditioning is blasting and I am drinking an ice cold drink. And the kids are looking out the window at him and laughing. Even if they are laughing at something I said JUST FOR THEM TO LAUGH WHILE I PASS HIM. Just so he may think for a second … I am a loser. But he will forget, ‘cause he is on the way to his next appointment. Needs some knuckle tattoos now. I want to tell him to just tattoo this on his knuckles: I AM A DUMBASS AND I AM UNEMPLOYABLE.