By Clouds McCloud

Virgo: The recent New Moon brought you a few birthday gifts. They consist of your biggest dreams in life, but there’s a catch. If you just rip them open as though you’re the Cookie Monster and they’re packages of Oreos, then you’ll get nothing but crumbs. If you can, on the other hand, figure out how to more gingerly open them, you’re sure to feel happier than Elmo when he’s being tickled.

Libra: Most Libras tend to occasionally get awash in their own wishy-washiness. To help you become more solid, find some solace in the words of Ron Swanson from “Parks and Rec.”: 1) “Sting like a bee. Do not float like a butterfly. That’s ridiculous.” 2) “It’s never too early to learn that the government is a greedy piglet that suckles on a taxpayer’s teet.” 3) “You had me at ‘Meat Tornado.’”

Scorpio: Your new assignment is pretty darn simple, unless you have mistaken this newspaper for rolling papers and might want to think about become literate or at least buying a pipe: Do what makes you feel good about your whole life, not just moments of it. Since Clouds wants to see you happy, and not simply strung out on sniffing glue or diet soda, your new bumper sticker is: “Make Awkward Sexual Advances, Not War!”

Sagittarius: This sign is represented by the archer, although that doesn’t necessarily make you folks good bow hunters or baseball bunters or even football punters. What it does make you are great friends to have, and bad people to piss off … unless that person likes to have parts such as hearts, egos and libidos skewered along with some peppers and onions like an end of the summer barbecue at your Uncle Regret’s house.

Capricorn: To celebrate the end of another summer, please add some new tunes to your life’s soundtrack. Clouds has recently added these two. From pop star Carly Rae Jepsen: “Before you came into my life I missed you so bad.” And from SoCal reggae band, The Dirty Heads: “I-aa, I-aa-m spread way to thin. What’s the big rush now? Tell me why you’re rush-in’?”

Aquarius: The next couple of weeks will be a great time for you to join a new club. Perhaps you could become a Rotarian or a Thespian or a Plebian or a Martial Artist or an Anti-fart-ist or Sierra Club-er or a Group Hug-er. Just don’t join anything akin to a “Paul Ryan Women’s Rights” group. There’s no point in being lonely.

Pisces: With autumn making its way in like wild horses headed towards warmer climes, this would be a good time to lay off the reins of your life for a while. Instead of running your butt off, try spending more time hanging at the stable with your posse. You’ll probably even get rewarded with some rubdowns or big carrots.

Aries: In Chile, donkey milk is considered liquid Viagra. While this may seem like a useless piece of information, that is unless you’re trying to get a piece in Chile, it might actually come in handy, as it appears your power to attract others will be stronger than the legendary stubbornness of Equus asinus. Your key: don’t make an ass out of yourself.

Taurus: This autumn will bring with it a wonderful opportunity to begin the next chapter of your life. Luckily, Clouds has a copy of the Cliff Notes. Unfortunately, Clouds only likes to read the dirty parts. Therefore, be advised that it’s best to “get dirty” with someone you love, not with someone whose name you can’t remember.

Gemini: The Stars are asking many signs, including yours, to be careful when traveling this month. To help make sure you keep bouncing through life happier than a kid in a candy store, try to use any protection you’ve got: seat belts, helmets, bungee cords, laughter, sports bras and the phrase, “No thanks. I’d rather stay home and watch movies on Lifetime.”

Cancer: Since the Stars are asking you to take more “Me time” and rejoice in yourself, Clouds suggests you get yourself a new t-shirt in sea green or silver (two of your lucky colors) that reads something along the lines of, “Screw World Peace. I Want a Pony!”

Leo: Positive financial mojo is headed your way like a home run sailing towards the cheap seats. To help make the most out of your personal Pennant Drive, your advice comes from baseball’s Ken “The Hawk” Harrelson: “It’s all between the ears. Whether you think you can or you think you can’t, you’re right either way.”