Horrorscopes
By Clouds McCloud
Libra: The next year of your life promises to advance career goals. So make some time to write down your goals—even the ones other people might make fun of, like reenacting scenes from Office Space: “The thing is, Bob, it’s not that I’m lazy, it’s that I just don’t care.”
Scorpio: Scorpios occasionally suffer from an affliction known as “self hatred.” Since nothing positive ever comes out of this, here’s the cure: practice forgiveness, redemption and self-love. To help get you started, try telling your body you love and forgive it, or at least tell it that Clouds would love to love it.
Sagittarius: It really comes down to this: you can have anything you want—but there’s a catch. What you want must also be beneficial to others. While this certainly doesn’t rule out dreams of becoming a politician or an adult film star, it means that maybe the best way to accomplish your goals is by making your special someone feel like he/she is the latter, too.
Capricorn: To help you have a wondrous autumn, your new hero is the original “Pretty Boy” Floyd. When Floyd would rob banks during the Great Depression he’d usually stop long enough to destroy the bank’s mortgage records, freeing those who’d been indebted to the bank. He became a hero. Therefore, try to be a little more heroic as you blast your way towards success.
Aquarius: The Stars are asking you to take life slow and steady this month. They’re afraid you might try to take on too much and we wouldn’t want you to go and spontaneously combust like a microwaved burrito! Therefore, always remember that the key to life is moderation, and the key to a good microwave burrito is to wash it down with cheap beer.
Pisces: It looks like this would be a good time for a wise investment, which not only rules out buying a copy of the Fifty-Center, it also means you could catch a lucky break. Here’s hoping you don’t break the bank, although with the recent economy, it may already be too late for that.
Aries: Despite the fact that we’re still in the midst of the “national recession” there’s no reason to be depressed or stressed out (they’re a total waste of energy). To help, add some positive vibrations to your soundtrack, like this one from Timbuk 3: “Things are going great and they’re only getting better. I’m doin’ alright, gettin’ good grades. The future’s so bright I’ve gotta wear shades.”
Taurus: The Stars are reporting that you’ve just entered a period when you’ll be more eloquent than a seasoned politician. Therefore, don’t push your luck by drunk-texting anything like these lines. From Bob Dole: “Our intent will not be to create gridlock. Oh, except maybe from time to time.” From President Bush #2: “They misunderestimated me!” And from the late Teddy Kennedy: “They don’t call me ‘Tyrannosaurus Sex’ for nothing.”
Gemini: Your new assignment is to live life as if your soul is eternal. This can be tough, because most of us spend so much time worrying about today, tomorrow or last Tuesday morning that we forget that we have more days than we’ll use anyway. So here’s hoping your life becomes a series of Saturday afternoons and not Saturday afternoons during Christmas week at Vons.
Cancer: Your new role model will be a Whirling Dervish, which are members of a Turkish sect who believe the path to enlightenment and the best way to praise Allah aka God is by whirling around in a circle. Therefore, work on discovering your own unique path to enlightenment, and if it makes you want to don a tie-dye and spin around to some Grateful Dead tunes, you’re moving in the right direction.
Leo: The Stars wanted to let you know that the only thing that’s preventing you from accomplishing your dreams is that you don’t spend enough time dreaming about them. Therefore, you new assignment is to work on creative visualization. You know, actively daydream about your dream life and whatever you do, don’t let reality stand in your way. It never slowed down people like Khloe Kardashian or Mitt Romney.
Virgo: To properly celebrate the onset of autumn, Clouds is asking you to spend the next month figuring out how you can refocus on your dreams and goals in life and reconnect with people who are important to you. If by “reconnect” you think Clouds is referring to something sexual, give yourself a pat on the back and/or fanny.
