Horrorscopes

By Clouds McCloud

Scorpio: Since the next year of your life promises smooth sailing, especially on the work and relationship fronts, please be sure to do the following: 1) Be patient, relaxed, hopeful, frisky and thankful. 2) Bring more positive things into your life like listening to more Country Music—or at least some Southern Rock. 3) Follow this advice from the Allman Brothers: “Get your sail out in the wind. Get out on the highway and let `er roll on. Roll on back to someplace you ain’t never been. Hey, baby!”

Sagittarius: Life is a state of mind, not to be confused with states like “comatose” or “Pennsyl-tucky,” To help you prepare for a great awakening, try to become more comfortable naked, work on your hugging skills and know when to say “Maybe.”

Capricorn: In case you’re looking for things to be thankful about as the holiday season nears, please add five items to the following list. I am thankful: that I don’t have a dirty mind, it’s just a sexy imagination; that India Arie was right, the good Lord didn’t make no mistakes on me; that one million people die every week and I ain’t one of ‘em.

Aquarius: It’s a little known fact that the world’s smallest minority is actually Redheads, followed closely by non-German David Hasselhoff fans. To help you work on becoming more empathetic—a trait Aquarians could usually use some work on—your words of inspiration will come from Wooderson in Dazed and Confused: “I love them redheads.”

Pisces: Studies have shown that people are actually most creative at night. These studies didn’t explain if this creativity is enhanced by the use of substances like alcohol or Late Night Talk Shows. To help you feel more creative, listen to Jimmy Fallon: “Thank you, couscous, for being the perfect food for people who can’t get enough coose.”

Aries: Ladies and Gentlemen, Hotties and Beefcakes, please allow Clouds to amaze and entertain you with the following three rules for life: #2) Bad things happen when good people stay silent. #11) No one likes to get hit with a snot-sickle. #69) The love you give is the love you get, unless you’re only giving love to bottles of Boone’s Farm.

Taurus: Right now, you’re in a period where your amorous powers are as prevalent as dogs and pickup trucks in country music songs. Now is the perfect time to start a new relationship or take an existing one to the next level. To help, try this line from country music singer Rodney Carrington: “I don’t know if I love you. But you sound like somebody I could love; drunk and horny.”

Gemini: Since you don’t really need any advice right now, here are a few pearls of wisdom: 1) Never pee into the wind. 2) Florida is officially known as the “Sunshine State” and unofficially known as “God’s Waiting Room ” and the “State Run by Morons.” Q) Revenge is actually best served at room temperature, while you’re enjoying a tasty beverage.

Cancer: Since being truly thankful is a skill set most Cancerians could use some practice with, please adopt a new lighthearted saying like one of these: A) “If the stakes are high, I probably shouldn’t be.” B) “You can’t spell BROKEN without OK.” A+) “The impossible can become possible if you’re awesome!” –Rhino the hamster from “Bolt.”

Leo: The Stars are reporting that the key for Leos for the foreseeable future is to simply be thankful and positive and not to push anyone else—even yourself—too hard. Basically, it looks like it’s time for Leos to follow Samuel L. Jackson’s advice and do their best Fonzie imitations and Be Cool, just not too cool for school.

Virgo: Self-acceptance is one of the most powerful abilities known to man. In fact, when it comes right down to it, besides X-Ray vision, there’s no other power that can bring as much happiness to man, woman or even teenagers. Therefore, your new mantra should be something honest and positive like this: “I love nature because I enjoying drinking outdoors.”

Libra: According to the beer loving—and apparently beer abusing—people at the Grand Teton Brewing Company in Idaho: “God is proof that beer makes us Happy!” To keep in this spirit, please praise things that make you happy, or at least make your belly and mouth happy. And try memorizing some Robert Frost: “Happiness makes up for in height what it lacks in length.”