Horrorscopes
By Clouds McCloud
Sagittarius: Clouds has a lot of love for most Sagittarians, especially when any of them actually stop long enough to listen to Clouds, or any of the rest of us, extol their virtues. Therefore, your birthday gift to yourself should include anything that makes you a better listener (a hearing aid, closed-captioning, ample sexual rewards, etc.).
Capricorn: A new restaurant is soon to open in America’s oldest public park, Boston Common. What makes this event noteworthy is that the “Earl of Sandwich” shop will be housed in what was once a public bathroom. While some folks are against the idea, most folks don’t give a poop. The lesson: You can do anything, so long as you don’t let anything crappy in your past stand in your way.
Aquarius: Members of this sign often have trouble controlling their emotions. Which is fine, so long as they do a good job controlling their substances. You see, what the rest of us love about you is your passion for life. What we don’t like is when you drink too much “holiday cheer” and then try to pick a fight with, or make love to, the Christmas tree.
Pisces: Sometimes it feels as though you’re parallel parked in a diagonal universe. Therefore, your new good luck t-shirt should portray a classic Pisces statement such as: “I like to Google myself.” Your inspiration shall come from Richard Simmons: “Energy is that amazing feeling that comes to life when you’re happy and believe in yourself.”
Aries: Cursing is usually a sign of anger, distress or a small vocabulary. Therefore, since our spoken words have more power than we realize, try doing two things: If you don’t have anything good to say, don’t say anything. And try to make sure all your four-letter words are fun ones, such as “love,” “this,” “shag” and “Mike.”
Taurus: The Stars report that you’re entering a great time in your in life, when opportunities you’ve been working hard for will to start to blossom like holiday Poinsettias. To help, your new magic words are “Yes,” “Thanks” and “Balance” … as in, “Yes, thanks, if I don’t find some balance in my life soon, this seesaw ride is going to suck.”
Gemini: Early each December, America celebrates “Call in Gay Day.” It’s a day meant to show support for our fellow citizens who are “Light in the Loafers” and “Women in Comfortable Shoes.” Therefore, your assignment for this week is to be accepting of others, especially male hairdressers, female mechanics and anyone who voted for Mitt Romney.
Cancer: Some people consider bacon a “vegetable,” while others simply call it a “manfruit.” Eating peppers increases circulation and raises endorphin levels. And the following is a classic Cancerian statement, “Sometimes I wonder if I ever cross your mind. And then I remember, of course I do. I’m the cat’s meow!”
Leo: As the Stars suggest Leos give negative thoughts the heave-ho. here are some things to ponder: It’s better to be silent than to wish you had been. It’s better to have taken the chance than wish you had. And as the “Funny Girl” Barbra Streisand once said, “I just don’t want to be hampered by my own limitations.”
Virgo: The Stars ask that you to set aside as much time as possible over the next couple of weeks for loved ones and family, which unfortunately, aren’t always in the same category. Regardless of how you wish to categorize, don’t work too hard to avoid ‘em, even if they’re the aunt who smells like avocados or your uncle “Mumbles.”
Libra: There a lot of positive things going on for Libras right now. Therefore, be generous and appreciative with those you love, and appreciate and adopt a funny new slogan such as: “I used to be gay, but I found it to be a real pain in the butt.” Or, “If at first you don’t succeed, order a cocktail.”
Scorpio: Communications and relationships should start to be as smooth for you as a Super Model’s thighs, and hopefully much fuller and juicier. To help assure things go smooth as the year winds down, think good thoughts, apply plenty of moisturizer and know when to say, “Why yes, I’d love another helping!”
