Horrorscopes

By Clouds McCloud

Capricorn: 2013 looks very promising for Capricorns so long as you can learn to work and play well others. This isn’t the year to go it alone or to have the typical Capricorn “my way or the highway” attitude. Therefore, remember there ain’t no “I” in “team,” nor is there one in “Success,” “Joy,” “Pleasure” or “Go screw yourself!”

Aquarius: 2013 should be an exceptionally enjoyable year for Aquarians. And since it’s easier to be creative when you feeling happy (and more difficult when you’re feeling trapped or sexually frustrated), be sure to remember that life is a gift and should be celebrated. Just bear in mind that that the keys to any great party are proper planning and being sure to buff out the cleaning crew.

Pisces: 2013 is going to be a very positive and productive year for Pisces. Since your confidence is sure to be on the rise, keep your money, body and soul balanced. So it’s okay to follow the late Dave Brubeck, “I prefer no one to teach me. I prefer to swing on my own.” So long as you never forget the words of Rasheed Wallace: “Ball don’t lie!”

Aries: 2013 is the year when your life will really start to bloom. Therefore, always wear clean bloomers, knickers, briefs, butt floss, banana hammocks or whatever you call your undies. And remember that healthy plants bloom where they are planted, especially if they get plenty of sun, water, rest and the proper balance of chemicals.

Taurus: 2013 will bring much comfort, especially of the “creature” kind. To help make the most out of it, don’t just be a “buyer,” but try being a “smart shopper.” Heed the words of the Notorious B.I.G: “Mo money, mo problems.” And of course, “You know very well who you are. Don’t let ‘em hold you down, reach for the stars.”

Gemini: 2013 will be year of growth for Gemini. And since what your life becomes is completely up to you, don’t be afraid to roll your sleeves up and work hard or to work on healing parts that are dragging you down. It also helps to remember that there’s a big difference between having moves like Jagger and moves like Jägermeister.

Cancer: 2013 will be challenging, especially for the first half, but if you can keep your cool, bite your tongue (and the bullet when necessary) and be patiently positive, it should all be worth it by the time the year comes to a close. To help, remember the words of Stephen Hawking: “Never forget you’re the product of thousands of years of evolution.”

Leo: 2013 is going to be year of faith restored and hope rewarded for Leos. Since the last few years have treated Leos like chew toys, it might be hard to embrace these natural states for you. Therefore, Disney’s “The Lion King” anthem: “Hakuna Matata! What a wonderful phrase! Hakuna Matata! Ain’t no passing craze. It means no worries for the rest of your days. It’s our problem-free philosophy.”

Virgo: 2013 is going to be a very productive, seductive and successful year for you. You’ll still have to work hard in life and love, but unlike recent years, you’re hard work will actually start to pay off. To help make the most out of it, stay focused, patient and be ready to disrobe at any moment.

Libra: 2013 looks as though it will help you truly understand and appreciate the meaning of partnerships. Of course there are all kinds: marriage, business, junior high school science class, limited liability, mud wrestling, jello wrestling, tonsil hockey, etc. So your assignment is to be more open about partnerships this year, which doesn’t mean you need to move to Vermont or the Bay Area.

Scorpio: 2013 should be a year of progress for Scorpios, so long as you can stay patient, mellow and remember that the key to a happy home life is you. Since the year should be hectic and busy, but steadily improving as it moves along, keep your sarcastic and bombastic sides in check. And refrain from blurting out phrases such as: “Craptastic,” “Make mine a triple” or “I’m sure I’m going to regret this later, but screw it!”

Sagittarius: 2013 looks to be a very balanced year for Sags. It’ll be full of great highs and muddling lows, challenges and success stories that will have positive impacts on your life for years to come. Your keys will be to remain accepting and patient. After all, good things do come to those who wait, while impatient, judgmental people tend to get bad things, such as speeding tickets, STDs and the Oakland Raiders.