Horrorscopes

By Clouds McCloud

Pisces: This much we know is true: Pisces get lost easily; they can remember outfits better than phone numbers; Clouds likes to use semi-colons; just because Pisces seem flighty doesn’t mean they’re idiots; case in point, Piscean Albert Einstein who once said; “The true sign of intelligence is not knowledge but imagination.”

Aries: It’s probably feeling like your life is one big vision quest. Sure, some of this is probably caused by acid flashbacks, but most of it caused by the fact that a vision quest is exactly what life is. You visualize it and it becomes true. So maybe it’s about time you start working on your creative and even your procreative (wink, wink, nudge, goose) visualization.

Taurus: For the good, albeit stubborn folks of this sign, it all comes down to the simple fact that you’re at your best when feeling appreciated—in love, work and whoopee-making. Of course, appreciation always starts at home. Therefore, your new self-help book should be Guru Pitka’s classic: “Does It Hurt When You Do That? Well Then Don’t Do That!”

Gemini: Geminis like to make a party out of life. This is why they make great fraternity brothers, sorority sisters and ski lift operators. Therefore, Clouds would like to let you know that your partying skills should come in handy soon, since lots of folks will be in the mood for a good party. This doesn’t mean you should party like it’s 1999, more like it’s 1982 and we all still think Reaganomics works.

Cancer: This week the Stars are asking you to live life exactly the way you believe it should be lived. So make sure that you’re doing what you believe you should be doing and not simply doing what someone pressures or guilts you into doing. There is, however, one exception: if you can trade in that guilty deed for a guilty pleasure—or at least a guilty plea to the charge of being “Damn Sexy!”

Leo: It looks like the Stars are aligning in lucky and prosperous angles for you. To make the most of this good karma please be sure to: accept that you deserve it; be open to change; and try not to tell people you soar past to go suck an egg, or anything else for that matter.

Virgo: The best thing most Virgos can do for themselves is to laugh. After all, being serious and stubborn takes it toll. So it’s great to laugh well everyday. “ To help, adopt one these as your new saying: “Always be yourself … unless you can be a unicorn. Then always be a unicorn.” “I pooped today.” “I’m magically delicious.”

Libra: Some people swear by Macs. Others are insane for PCs. But there is still another set of folks who don’t even know how to turn a computer on, let alone surf the net for porn. Libras can usually be found in that latter set. One of the reasons is that Libras, especially for the next few weeks, have dreams too hot and heavy to be put on a hard drive, or even a floppy disk for that matter.

Scorpio: Your role model for the week is Australian born country music star Keith Urban. Like most Scorpios, Urban has gone through periods of massive self-destruction, but like all Scorpios, he’s shown to be more than capable of rising back up. So start dancing along, “Life is a balance of holding on and letting go.”

Sagittarius: In case you’ve forgotten, when you’re feeling good about your love and sex lives everything else in your life flourish as well. Therefore, to help your career, try helping out your love life by whispering to your partner: “I need to be attached to you the way a neutron needs a proton.”

Capricorn: Since it looks like life is still going to be a wee bit bumpy for you as winter bids farewell, Clouds wanted to remind you that better days are on the way. Therefore, that new good luck, dark green t-shirt should read either “Irish I were drunk” or better yet, “Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need good advice.”

Aquarius: Some kind of an issue, maybe from childhood or something that has bothered your family for generations, has probably decided to pop it’s head up. So you basically have two choices: You can lose control and treat it like a game of “Smash the Weasel.” Or you can look it smack dab in its ugly mug and tell it you’re taking your power back.  The second choice is the best and requires lots of moxie. The first can work, buts requires lots of epoxy.