Horrorscopes

By Clouds McCloud

Aries: To help make the most out of the next year of your life, adopt “Boston Strong” as your new motto. The country’s original city has been rocked by several massacres over the years (by the British, the Yankees and at the Marathon), but no matter how hard it gets knocked down, it just keeps rising back up stronger than ever. Be as strong, helpful and hopeful as Beantown, but don’t start saying things such as, “I heard Arub-er was wicked pissa.” or “Oh Gawd, these are some frickn’ killa b’daydas.”

Taurus: You new role model is the late, fellow Taurus Pat Summerall. The sports announcer was known for knowing — unlike his longtime partner Capricorn, John “The Mouth” Madden — when to shut up and let the action speak for itself. While he wasn’t perfect, Pat’s life was a series of successes. Therefore, be sure to choose your words wisely and to know when to put a sock in it.

Gemini: The Stars are saying you really should put your heart into something or someone. This can be challenging for Geminis, since they sometimes go through periods when they refuse, like warring siblings, to speak to their hearts. If that’s your mindset, your choices are: learn Morse code, stop being such a pansy or accept living a rather unfulfilled life.

Cancer: Newspaper reporter was recently named as the worst job for 2013. The reasons given include high stress and poor pay. To help remind you it’s not about what other people say, it’s about what you believe, here’s a line from former newspaper reporter Mark Twain: “Action speaks louder than words, but not nearly as often.”

Leo: Just in case you forgot, failure begets failure. Just like lies beget lies, anger begets anger and half-assed efforts beget half-assed results. But it’s also true that success begets success, that acceptance begets acceptance and that scantily clad begets partial nudity.

Virgo: It looks like any bumpy roads you’ve been on should finally hit some brand new pavement. To help assure that you’re not out of alignment or about to take out any wildlife, your new motto is: “If you can’t run with the big dogs, you can always lay low with the cool cats.”

Libra: Just in case you forgot, the world is always your oyster, it’s just sometimes tough to open. Luckily, when you come across this dilemma, there are some options: being patient, asking for help or smashing the crap out of the oyster with a sledge hammer. All three have their time and place; your challenge is deciding when to use which style.

Scorpio: Play-Doh was originally designed as wallpaper cleaner. Elephants in India have been known to drink beer and then stumble through town. At any given moment, more than half the people report being in love. What does this all mean? It means something Scoprios sometimes forget: Anything isn’t just possible; sooner or later, it’s probable.

Sagittarius: A couple of studies done by some clever (and kinky) scientists in Europe have proven that having orgasms not only relieves stress, but also acts like a workout for many different regions of the brain, especially for women. This has Clouds wondering, what’s next? Studies showing that hugs make us happy, or that children and stoners crave cookies and Doritos? Therefore, your new role model is the people who wrote up the grants for those studies.

Capricorn: It looks as though your love life is making its way on to the stage. To help, here are a few tips for a happy relationship: Attack the issues not each other; Share a hobby; Talk about your dreams and your fears; Laugh together, and not just at each other; Regularly make passionate love as if you’re vacationing on a tropical island that only serves drinks with little umbrellas in them; Be thankful; Stay hydrated.

Aquarius: In honor of the celebration of “Fishmas,” all your advice will be (like Clouds) somewhat fishy. Ein) A bad day fishing still beats just about everything else. II) There’s a reason they call it fishing and not catching. 3) A fish in the hand beats a lure in a tree. D) “Many men go fishing all of their lives without knowing it is not fish they are after.” -Henry David Thoreau.

Pisces: Here are your myth busters for the week. You don’t lose most of your body heat through your head, only about 10%. Not all women throw shoes at their partners; only 40% do. There are in fact more than just five senses, since we also have a sense of balance, a sense of time and enough sense to occasionally keep the lights on when making love.