By Clouds McCloud
Taurus: There are basically three things that separate us from fulfilling our dreams: fear, laziness and lack of patience. Now that we’ve got this out of the way, your birthday gift to yourself should be to do away with this ineffective trifecta. The Stars are saying if you can, they’ll not only help you achieve your dreams, they’ll throw in a couple happy endings for no extra charge.
Gemini: What’s the weirdest thing you’d do with the money if you won the lottery? How long is your perfect kiss? Is it easier to judge a person by his/her shoes or smile? What’s your karma record? Is it better to have loved and lost than to never have dated that nut job in the first place? Only you can answers these questions. The rest of us are going for a beer.
Cancer: Some folks say laughter is the best medicine. Some folks say love is the best medicine. Some folks say medicine is the best medicine, but those folks usually work in the health industry and have been bought off by pharmaceutical companies. Clouds says a positive, hopeful attitude, getting lots of fresh air and shagging like you just got rescued from a deserted island are the best medicines.
Leo: Clouds is happy to report that you will soon receive a planetary boost to your love, creative and financial lives. This means anything that’s been stalled should start to move forward again. It also means saying the following won’t be considered too forward: “You really enlighten my life, so I’d love to enlighten you of those shorts.”
Virgo: The Stars have just handed over a traffic report for your life (although sometimes Clouds wonders if they’re really watching the traffic or just looking down ladies’ blouses—this could just be projection though). Nonetheless, the road should start to clear up for you and you can now use the HOV lane: Head Onward Vibrantly.
Libra: Your assignment for the next few weeks is to be the living expression of love on Earth. Your wardrobe can consist of anything comfortable so long as it includes your lucky colors of blue or green. Your extra credit question is: Does Puff the Magic Dragon really live by the sea, and if so, does he ever run into Suzy who sells seashells by the seashore?
Scorpio: The good news is that the Stars have started to do some work on your sign. They plan on shoring things up and relieving some of your worries. The bad news is that they have a Union which demands that they get a couple of long coffee breaks/safety meetings, a few cold ones after work and that you thank them profusely.
Sagittarius: Sagittarians are fiercely independent people, which can sometimes be a blessing and sometimes a curse. It all really depends upon how you handle it. So while honesty is always a good policy, tact is also important, too. Therefore, your new sarcastic saying should be something like:“ If I actually gave a poop, I’d be happy to give it to you.”
Capricorn: Honesty is always the best policy and it will also sets you free, but it’s something most Capricorns fear more than Glenn Beck’s theories—although they’re not alone there. Therefore, try embracing honesty. Adopting this new motto should help: “Sometimes you’re a peacock. Sometimes you’re a feather duster.”
Aquarius: In case you were in need of some positivism in your life, here are some. 1) A 105-year-old Texas woman said eating bacon everyday is the key to her longevity. B) A 114-year-old Georgia woman said the key is to do what you love for as long as you can, as best as you can. III) Countless people who’ve lived to be over a hundred credit regularly drinking beer or red wine and eating chocolate.
Pisces: This much we know is true: We all bleed when we’re cut. We all have ticklish places. We all talk to ourselves, some of just do so softly. Pisces can be too judgmental about others, but people still love them anyway. Sometimes we want to be held, sometimes we want to be left alone. Sometimes you’re the pigeon, sometimes you’re the statute.
Aries: With the economy still working its way out of the dumpster and Ashton Kutcher still on national TV, it’s easy to feel a little depressed right now. But there’s no need to, because once you stop looking at what’s wrong with life, you can’t help but start seeing what’s right about it. Life is a gift for crying out loud. And just in case you think the great creator doesn’t want you to be happy, then please explain beer and orgasms?