Horrorscopes

By Clouds McCloud

Cancer: With the onset of summer coinciding with the second Mercury retrograde of the year, the next month should be very interesting for most of us. To make sure your life stays interesting and fulfilling for the next year, please give yourself these gifts: Forgiveness (for others and yourself). Plenty of time tuning into to nature. And last, but certainly not least, lots or reasons to be shagalicious.

Leo: With Mercury going retrograde in Cancer some rather unique happenings are bound to occur, especially involving family or old friends you haven’t seen in a long time. To make the most out of it, try not passing anything but acceptance and thanks onto these folks. Judging them—especially after you’ve been drinking too many coldies or Coke Zeros—will only be a waste off all the good karma that should be causing your beer mug to runneth over.

Virgo: Since it’s Clouds job to serve up some regular advice, here’s a sample platter. It’s better to look a gift horse in the mouth than in the other end. It’s better to be thought a fool, and still look great in a cocktail dress (see: Miss Utah) than to be Bill O’Reilly. Never mix Hater-aide and vodka. The difference between ordinary and extraordinary is that little extra.

Libra: Since you are in the midst of a period of great possibilities, Clouds would like you to choose one of the following mantras: 1)“Please don’t bother me, I’m busy wasting potential.” 3) “This beer is making me awesome!” Cubed) “Yes, Jesus does love you. But I’m one of his favorites.”

Scorpio: Since the current Mercury retrograde will bring back people from your past, it will probably help to do the following things: Let bygones be bygones. Appreciate how much you’ve changed. Changing into something more comfortable should be fun to watch. Remember that if you never have any regrets, you can’t figure out what needs changing.

Sagittarius: To help you stay calm and positive as summer begins with Mercury in retrograde, please enjoy these shots of wisdom from fellow Sags: Willa Cather, “There are some things you learn best in calm, and some in storm.” And from Woody Allen, “My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.”

Capricorn: Since it looks like you’re in the midst of summer thunderstorm of great opportunities, Clouds would like to remind you that life is really nothing more than a state of mind—if you don’t mind, it won’t matter. Please also be advised that the best place to be during a thunderstorm is cuddling with someone you find to be grounded—or at least fun to cuddle with.

Aquarius: To help you ring in the summer with style, try eating better. Adding more fruit to your diet is a good idea since blueberries help with long-term memory and are high in antioxidants. Strawberries help clean skin and blood. Raspberries help prevent cancer. And men should always take good care of their “Twig and Berries,” and women their “Peach and Melons.”

Pisces: With Mercury in retrograde the Stars are NOT highlighting movement for you right now. So please keep your movements for the next few weeks to a minimum, as some forms of movement like travel may be more hassle than they’re worth. And it might help to say a nicer version of the following to anyone trying to get you moving in ways you don’t want: “You’re certainly not the brightest crayon in the box.”

Aries: The Mercury retrograde that begins summer should shine some positive light upon your love life. If you’re already in a relationship, expect it to start getting as hot and sweet as a fried Oreo. If you’re not in a relationship, don’t be surprised if you bump into the type of person you’d love to ride the Ferris wheel of life with. This line should help: “If life were a carnival, you’d be my favorite ride.”

Taurus: This week the Stars shall begin shining their good luck on anything in life you put your energy into. Therefore, please make sure to use your energy for things you really want or need in life like love, enlightenment or timely mortgage payments. And not on things you don’t really need, like loveless sex, a Flowbee or a Bedazzler.

Gemini: The real question isn’t, “How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?” Nor is it, “What’s Up Chuck?” (because it’s a slang term for vomit.) No, my dear Gemini, the real question is a compound one: What are your deepest dreams and wackiest wishes in life; and are your ready to have some chucked at you?