Horrorscopes

By Clouds McCloud

Cancer: As the keys to contentment are forgiveness, openness and laughter, please select a new mantra from the following: A) “I’d rather be damned if I don’t.” – Robert McNamara B) “I bring nothing to table.”-Slackers everywhere. C) “All we see is possibility.”-the Perkins School for the Blind.

Leo: The key for your success this summer is to be impeccable with words, tolerant with those of differing opinions/talents, thankful for everything and less arrogant than usual. To help, here are some words of wisdom. From Walt Disney: “Why worry? If you’ve done the best you can, worrying won’t make it any better.” From Clouds’ spiritual accountant: “When things aren’t adding up in your life, start subtracting.”

Virgo: The Stars indicate that friendship will soon take the spotlight in your life. To help you handle this well, please be advised that friendship is a two-way street, so drinking and driving, texting or talking about serious issues is never advised. Sexting is, however, fine when parked or sober. As is adopting this motto: “People who’ve had one too many usually think I’m awesome!”

Libra: To help you relax and enjoy this social period, here’s some interesting conversational tidbits: The battle of Gettysburg happened 150 years ago. The Battle of the Network Stars took place three decades ago. A “muselet” is the wire cage on champagne bottles. A “mullet” is the hairstyle preferred by hockey players and people from Kentucky. “Borborygmus” is the rumbling sound your stomach makes. A “Dumbass” is someone who pays for the Fifty Center.

Scorpio: For Scorpios, this July is all about becoming healthier—emotionally, spiritually and physically. To help, find more balance in your life; that’s what happiness and contentment are all about anyway—that and lots of fine food, fresh air and fondling.

Sagittarius: To help celebrate Independence Day, be sure to do something to celebrate yourself. You are part of this beautiful country, for crying out loud! Therefore, the only thing you’re allowed to cry out—besides sounds of passion—for the next few weeks is something like this: “My favorite way to travel is taking leaps of faith!”

Capricorn: To help you celebrate the Independence of America and it’s citizens, here are some truisms from classic Americans. Henry Ford: “A man who stops advertising to save money is like a man who stops clocks to save time.” Ellen DeGeneres: “Accept who are. Unless you’re a serial killer.” Clouds McCloud: “Give a man a fish and …  he’ll start asking for tartar sauce and a beer. Teach a man to fish and he’ll start supplying his own beer.”

Aquarius: Death Valley recently set a record for the hottest day ever recorded in the country for the month of June, 129 degrees. While some people can’t stand heat waves, most Aquarians actually thrive in them. That’s because Aquarius is an air sign and is known for producing free and independent thinkers. Naturally, this makes Aquarians full of hot air, which is good, so long as it’s not accompanied by anger, alcohol or “Boy Scout Fluid.”

Pisces: Studies have shown that smiling is the most powerful tool for persuasion known to man. To help you smile more, be sure to accept who you are: your strengths, your weaknesses, your true potential, what makes you gassy. To help, your new mantra is: “I am a Pisces, hear me roar, snore and ask for more!”

Aries: Since it’s easy to abuse substances—especially for Aries—during the excitement of summer, Clouds would like to help by recommending the following alternatives: climb a mountain; go fly fishing; go skinny dipping; make love; make more love; make love like a romance novel; read Bukowski and Cather; write a Penthouse Letter; do Yoga; do a random act of kindness; do anything legal that makes you happy.

Taurus: Sometimes it seems like the only proper diagnosis for people like Clouds is OCD: One Crazy Dumbass. But since we’re all—in our own glorious/slightly-perverted ways—crazier than a barrel full of kangaroos anyway, your assignment is to give yourself a unique new affliction only you are blessed with. Something like ADD: Always Dilly Dallying. PTSD: Post Traumatic Sexy Do-gooder or SLD: Shall Love Daily.

Gemini: The Stars want you to put some energy and thought into the bigger things in life, like lifelong goals or the Big Kahuna in the sky. To help, take a few moments each day to visualize what you want and feel about your life. For the record, it’s okay to do these things wherever you can find space, be that in the can, in the car or hiding in a bush—just don’t start breathing heavy while doing so.