Horrorscopes

By Clouds McCloud

Cancer: One Boston Marathon bomber was killed by police, the other is in custody. Irish mafia crime boss James “Whitey” Bulger, portrayed by Jack Nicholas in “The Departed,” is currently on trial, hollering out curses at witnesses. Aaron “The Hitman” Hernandez will be fending off passes from inmates this fall instead of catching them from Tom Brady. The lesson: If you’re going to kill somebody, don’t do it in Massachusetts. And if you’re going to do the crime, sooner or later, you are gonna have to do the time.

Leo: Your McNuggets of wisdom for the week are: Never look a gift horse in the rear. Never forget to look both ways before moon-walking. Never forget to be thankful, helpful, hopeful and compassionate. Never forget that if you forget the aforementioned, life will start treating you like a narc at a biker rally.

Virgo: Since you’re in the midst of a perfect time to find a partner/lover that fits you perfectly, Clouds would like to pass along the following lines, one for each gender of this sign. For the boys: “Excuse me, but I think you just dropped something. My Jaw.” For the ladies:” Excuse me, but I’m only here for the beer and hot wings.”

Libra: Please take the following summer questionnaire:  First) In two words or less, describe how you feel when you look in a mirror. Next) In 200 words or less, describe how Clouds would react upon seeing you standing naked in front of a mirror — please feel free to make-up adverbs like “heavy-panting” and “standing-ovation.” Finally) In six (your lucky number) words or less, say something nice about yourself without laughing!

Scorpio: It looks like the Stars are going to help you figure out what’s important in your life, besides walking around pant-less. Therefore, your new sing-in-the-shower or while-driving or while-going-for-a-midnight-streak lyric is: “Once in a while you get shown the light, in the strangest of places if you look at it right.”

Sagittarius: Here are your possibly useful pieces of information for the next few weeks. The Hula Hoop was invented in 1958. The first photograph was taken in 1816. The first nude photograph was taken the next day. Duct tape was invented in 1942. Some say silence is golden and duct tape is silver. Clouds says it’s the perfect time to break out some duct tape and maybe a paper clip and some lube and MacGyver something in your life that needs fixing.

Capricorn: To help you tap into your inner former secret agent, please adopt one of these slogans: “Brace yourself. This could be fun.”–MacGyver. “Well, when it comes down to me against a situation, I don’t like the situation to win.”-MacGyver. “Piper, there’s a big difference between winging it and seeing what happens. Now let’s see what happens.”-MacGruber

Aquarius: Family matters will take center stage right now. Of course, it helps if you remember that family are really just friends, neighbors or pains-in-the-keester you’re legally connected to. So instead of fighting, try rejoicing with your family more. Maybe start your own new family fraternity like “Itapa Kega.”

Pisces: With your social and communication skills picking up this week, Clouds would like to pass along a few wardrobe suggestions. Try wearing more comfortable shoes and adding a couple of light green (your lucky color) t-shirts that say things like: “Come to the dark side. We have cookies!” Or, “Two Irishmen walk out of a bar … it could happen.”

Aries: Here are your pieces of questionable usefulness for the week. Uno.) Uno is card game popular with people who like card games. Dos) Dos Equis is the third favorite beer of the “World’s Most Second Interesting Man,” Jack Lunch. Three) Aries need adventure in their lives the way the rest of us need canned beer, recliners and Ding Dongs. 4) Courtesy of Dr. Dre: “Ring ding dong … Get up! Get a move on! Get your groove on!”

Taurus: The Stars wanted to let you know that some things that have been hidden from you will begin exposing themselves. To help make sure you make the most out of this, please remember that love is the most powerful force in the world, and that there’s nothing more healing and healthy than exposing yourself to some who wants to do some exposing back.

Gemini: Money matters, but not as much as we think it does. Not even close. Since such matters will require some of your attention over the next couple of weeks, here’s a financial tip from someone who topped Forbes wealthiest list, J. Paul Getty: “Money is like manure. You have to spread it around or it smells.”