Horrorscopes

By Clouds McCloud

Libra: The Stars are reporting the next year of your life should bring some of your biggest dreams and wishes into fulfillment, and they’re also asking you to be more beneficent. Please use the Seattle Police Department as positive reminder about the connection between giving and receiving. At a marijuana-friendly festival this summer, the Emerald City’s finest gave out Doritos along with reminders not to smoke or drink and then drive.

Scorpio: Please provide your own baseline while reading your HorrorScope: My name is Clouds McCloud, yeah, this is true. Keeping your attention is what I’m tryin’ to do. It ain’t always easy to get my point across, so listen up close so you don’t get lost. Sometime this week something hidden will be seen. So keep your noodle clear, you gorgeous sex machine.

Sagittarius: Please choose your own advice this week from these possibilities: A) Don’t take life so seriously. Nobody ever gets out alive. B) The tough part about being a genius is having to put up with all the other idiots. Y) Never stand between a dog and a hydrant. Z) If at first you don’t succeed at anything except driving or sexting, crack another beer and then give it another shot.

Capricorn: Without asking why, please adopt these: Your new anthem from Canada’s Loverboy: “Everybody’s working for the weekend. Everybody wants a little romance. Everybody’s goin’ off the deep end. Everybody needs a second chance.” And your new motto: “My attitude is gratitude.”

Aquarius: You may be feeling like you can’t see the forest for the trees when it comes to your life. Luckily, it looks like the Stars will soon be putting your life into better focus. To help, your new role model will be a resident of the Hundred Acre Woods, Piglet, because he said, “I know it seems easy, but it isn’t everyone who could do it.” And because he gets to squeal when he’s pleased.

Pisces: The Stars are highlighting romance for you. Since Pisces seldom have trouble finding romance, perhaps you should take this time to exam what romance means to you. If you find that finding it is more to your liking than keeping it, then you are a typical Pisces and you may pass “GO.” But please be warned that Park Place is awfully lonely if you don’t have someone to share the view.

Aries: You may have been experiencing some technical difficulties in your communications at work and home. But, hopefully, you’ve been able to keep your cool and haven’t said anything like “You’ve got the IQ, personality and nutritional value of a turd burger!” Luckily, the technical difficulties will be removed this week, so apologies have a better chance of succeeding.

Taurus: It looks like you’ll be a real social butterfly right now. Therefore, the following social tips might help. 1) Always use protection. 2) Never drink and drive. 13) Whenever you drop a “silent but deadly” fart in a crowded room try to blame it on the dog or a vegan—they usually pass gas at higher rates than the rest of us.

Gemini: Far too many Geminis like to make their lives resemble the type of novel that would have a picture of Fabio on the cover. Sure its fun and gives you a great excuse to go to therapy, but does it really make you feel fulfilled, content, balanced, happy? Therefore, your new reading list should include Pablo Neruda, Christopher Moore and a little Anaïs Nin for bedtime.

Cancer: Sometimes, we all feel like getting on that midnight train to Georgia and never coming back. And sure, Georgia has peaches, bulldogs and good bbq and all. But it gets pretty darn warm in “Hot-lanta,” and eventually you get sick of hearing  “Y’all” all the time. So remember, if you can’t be where you love, you can still make love where you be.

Leo: We all need love, tenderness and compassion just as much as we need air, water and grub. The problem is, we take all the aforementioned for granted or we get picky about them. Therefore, try working on appreciating how your needs are met and for good karma points, try fulfilling someone else’s needs—especially if those needs require partial to everything-but-the-boots nudity.

Virgo: Starting soon, love will be taking the lead in the screenplay known as your life. It’s up to you whether your screenplay is for a comedy, a horror flick, a thriller or a mockumentary. Please be a bit wary and slightly elated, however, if the screenplay starts resembling a Jackie Collins novel. She did once say, “Who is ready to settle for five minutes when three hours does nicely?”