By Clouds McCloud

Sagittarius: The Stars are saying the next year of your life looks like a rather mixed bag—or as Clouds likes to call it, a very balanced life. So please try to remember that for every teeter there’s a totter, for every challenge there’s a reward and for every defeat there will be victory. To help you keep balanced, try remembering this Garrison Keillor line: “God writes a lot of comedy. The trouble is, he’s stuck with so many bad actors who don’t know how to play funny.”

Capricorn: Since nothing overly exciting is going on for you this week, here are a few general tips for life. A) Never cut your own hair—unless you’re Canadian. B) The world would be a better place if people adopted the Flint Tropics team motto: “Everybody love everybody!” Q) Heaven could be any place, so why not here?

Aquarius: Since nothing in life is ever perfect, here are a few tips to make sure you remain thankful this week. A burnt turkey means you’ll move onto dessert more quickly. Words to the wise aren’t usually necessary, but the rest of us could sure use some. And from Will Rogers “Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.”

Pisces: Since the Stars are reporting than several other signs will be wrestling with fear or stress for the rest of the year, they’re asking Pisceans to rise up and act like the true, hope-filled, fun-loving folks you are. To help, your words of wisdom will come from Founding Father, Benjamin Franklin, “The Constitution only gives people the right to pursue happiness. You have to catch it yourself.”

Aries: Since Aries can sometimes get swayed to the pessimistic/negative side, here are you’re new anti-Murphy’s Laws: First Law: Everything is actually much easier than it looks. Second Law: Time don’t mean diddlysquat. Eighth Law: If things aren’t going well, you’re not looking at them the right way. Ninth Law: If at first you don’t succeed, you’ll have all the more reason to celebrate when you do!

Taurus: With Thanksgiving just around the corner the Stars would like you to carve out some time to think about all things in your life that you are (or should be) thankful for. There is one thing, however, you are allowed to be upset about. If the Native Americans had just given the Pilgrims donkeys for their feast instead of turkeys, we’d all get a little ass for Thanksgiving.

Gemini: Since the flu is making it’s way around town the way a bong gets passed around a hotel room full of Orange County snowboarders, you might be feeling a little worn down and cashed out right now. Don’t sweat. The keys are to stay hydrated, to not abuse the Doritos and to remember that life is like a mirror: It works best when you smile and don’t looking completely pie-eyed.

Cancer: Just in case you forgot, “impossible” is just a word. A word made up by someone we should refer to as a “Richard-head.” Therefore, your magical spell for the week will be cast by the late great Walt Disney himself, “I hope we don’t lose sight of one thing—that it was all started by a mouse.”

Leo: The Stars are asking you to think more serendipitously. You know, be more open to coincidence, to magic, to hope, to the idea that your wildest dreams are coming to take you out to paint the town tie-dye!

Virgo: Navajos have long been renowned for their ability to weave some of the most beautiful blankets the world has ever seen. What makes this so interesting is that the Diné, as they’re also known, always make blankets purposely imperfect. They call these flaws the “spirit outlets,” because they believe imperfections let things breath. Therefore, your mission is to accept your own “spirit outlets,” especially when you leave your fly unzipped.

Libra: Here are your McNuggets of wisdom for the week; #12) If you want to forget all your other troubles, wear underwear two sizes to small. #2a) You can’t always get what you want, but you can always want what you get. #36) We all enjoy a long walk, especially when taken by someone who annoys us.

Scorpio: Everyone makes mistakes. The key is to make yours when no one is looking, or at least get really good at fixing things like hearts, holes in walls and fenders. To help you overcome any mistakes you’ve ever made, trying adopting a Pearl S. Buck line:. A) “Growth itself contains the germs of happiness.” B) “To eat bread without hope is still slowly to starve to death.”