Horrorscopes

By Clouds McCloud

Sagittarius: In honor of the passing of one of the most compassionate and instrumental leaders the world has ever known, your advice for the week comes from Nelson Mandela: 1) “A good head and a good heart are always a formidable combination.” 2) “If you want to make peace with your enemy, you have to work with your enemy. Then he becomes your partner.” 27) “It always seems impossible until it’s done.”

Capricorn: Home and family life will be taking up much of your attention and time for the rest of the month. And that’s all good. Just be sure to also take some time alone to think about what you want your life to be like in the year to come. And while you’re alone, you might as well dance around in your skivvies.

Aquarius: To make sure you don’t just settle for second place in life as the year winds down, your words of wisdom for the week will come from an über successful fellow Aquarium, Hall of Fame hoopster, Bill Russell. “You can get yourself in a groove and, if you’re not careful, that groove can become a rut.”

Pisces: As we close in on another year and thoughts turns to 2014, please try to give your thoughts some focus. If you’re having trouble focusing your thoughts, try wrapping your noodle around this one: The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Aries: With just a few weeks left in the year, your thoughts should be expanding towards what your life will be like next year, a year that promises to be expansive on all fronts, especially in your personal and romantic lives. Since part of your assignment is to embrace the questions as much as you do the answers, your new Jeopardy topic will be: “Things Shaped Like Peninsulas.”

Taurus: Here are your McNuggets of wisdom for the week: Wherever you go, crappy drivers are sure to be there. Two rights don’t make a left – they just send you in the wrong direction. Listening to music helps increase blood flow and makes you happier. The word “sex” was first coined in 1382.The answer isn’t sex, that’s the question. The answer is, “Maybe!”

Gemini: With home and romance taking center stage for you right now, and since laughter is the key to contentment in these areas, here are the top signs a man is about to propose to woman. 1.) She’s pregnant. 2.) Her father is loading a shotgun while mumbling curse words. 3.) He’s sweating more than a group of Mormons at a Miley Cyrus concert.” 4.) He isn’t constantly touching his “nachos.”

Cancer: Since Cancerians can be the targets of gossip, your advice for the week is this: When someone says something unkind about you, use it as motivation to live your life in way that makes you feel fulfilled. Your anti-advice on the subject: Track down the gossip hound and say, “I don’t know what makes you such an idiot, but it’s really working.”

Leo: Hi there. Yes, you, the one reading The Sheet. First of all, thanks for reading Clouds. You are obviously bright, gifted, terrific in the sack and destined for great happiness. Secondly, it’s time you start working on some creative visualization. You know, spend a few minutes each day daydreaming about your dream life—even the parts that don’t require partial nudity.

Virgo: The seas of life will get a bit choppy this week. To make sure it doesn’t turn into the perfect storm, don’t let problems at work get the best of you and don’t rush anywhere. To help keep your cool, try to remember that people who cause you problems aren’t necessarily jackasses, they just occasionally play one in this sitcom called life.

Libra: According to people who study odd things, only 12% of Americans sleep naked. Even though other studies have shown that sleeping in the buff is good for you. It helps the body maintain more natural and balanced temperatures, which helps boost your immune system. Therefore, you know what to do … that’s right, thank Clouds for sharing this type of information.

Scorpio: Jane says, “I’ve never been in love. I don’t know what it is.” So Perry says, “She only knows if someone wants her. I wonder if they want me?” Clouds says, “The only problem Jane and Perry (and most of us) really have is a lack faith. To help renew your faith please never forget this: Each and every stinkin’ one of us is capable of love, and that there really are people out there who’d be willing to walk across hot lava and then wrestle Bigfoot just to spoon with us.