Horrorscopes
Taurus: Since you’ve just entered a period where your voice will feel stronger, more empowered and better listened to than it has in a long time, please be sure to speak up whenever you feel you should and feel free to enjoy all the much-deserved attention and respect that engenders. Just please also remember to do the following things in moderation: Fist pumps, Strutting, old Toyota commercial leaps or hollering out things like “Boo-yeah!”
Gemini: Not that long ago, police in Pittsburgh arrested a McDonald’s employee for selling heroine to customers who ordered an extra toy. In case you’re in need of a little extra something special in your Happy Meals remember to eat plenty of things that make you happier, like walnuts, Greek yogurt and dark chocolate. Oh, and try to say ‘No’ to Crack, Crystal Meth or too many “Mind Erasers.”
Cancer: In the language of Bemba the word for love is “Ndikufuna.” In Cambodian it’s “Bon sro lanh oon.” In Creole, it’s “Mi aime jou.” In any language, love and humor are closely linked, which is why one often leads to another and explains the success of lines like: “People have been known to call me ‘Candy Pants.’ But you can me call whenever you’re horny.”
Leo: The Stars are reporting that your power to charm the pants off just about anybody is being turned up to “Full Pant-less” and you should definitely take advantage of this when it comes to your career. Therefore, don’t be surprised if people start greeting you wearing little more than smiles. And please respond to any unwanted attention with witty lines like, “I’m sure in some cultures you’d be considered normal. Just not mine.”
Virgo: Your new lucky song lyrics come from Big Head Todd and the Monsters: “Heaven could be anyplace, why not here? Why not now?” Your thing to ponder is: “If life gives you melons, you may be dyslexic.” And your advice comes from Albert Einstein: “If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, and not to people or things.”
Libra: The Stars are urging you to be patient right now. Keep your outer life in check, while allowing your inner life to make realizations like: A)“I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all.” B) “The more I give the more I get.” C) “Becoming aware of my character defects leads me to the next step: Blaming my parents.”
Scorpio: Studies have found that working more than 10 hours a day is bad for your health. Luckily, the Stars want to bring more balance and joy to your life. The main thing you’ve got to do is be willing to accept it. Therefore, your new lucky song comes from Tristan Prettyman: “If you were a castle I’d be the moat. And if you were an ocean, I’d learn to float.”
Sagittarius: This much we know is true: It snowed in Colorado last week. The Centennial State’s new unofficial motto is a “Friend with weed is a friend indeed.” And with the world in a time of transition, especially when it comes to relationships, please remember that: Friends are like snowflakes, if you tinkle on them they disappear.
Capricorn: Here are your daily affirmations for the week: 1) “All of me is beautiful and worthy of love, even the mean, moronic and angry parts!” 2) “When someone hurts me, forgiveness is the healthiest path, even though revenge is more fun.” III) “The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.”
Aquarius: It looks like you’re entering a stage in life where new friends will be coming and old ones moving on. So please be careful with any secrets you’re holding onto and don’t be surprised to hear yourself mumble: “I’m just grateful that I’m not as judgmental as all those other self-righteous, closed-minded, self-centered, back stabbing, a-holes!”
Pisces: Since you’re still in the midst of finding a delightful balance between home and work, Clouds would like to remind you that it helps to be mindful of your impact on others. So please try to make your interactions positive and enjoyable and not something that will require years of therapy or inspire intricate revenge plots.
Aries: The Stars are asking you to think twice before you do or say anything major right now. But that’s okay, because sometimes the biggest difference between a regret and a blessing is giving yourself some time to think and cool down. Therefore, bite your lips if anything like this wants to cross them: “I bet your butt occasionally gets jealous about what comes out of your mouth!”
