Horrorscopes
Aquarius: Your hero for the week is a 68 year-old seagull named Wisdom. Wisdom is the world’s oldest banded wild bird and she recently returned to Midway Atoll National Wildlife Refuge to raise another round of chicks. Therefore, please make Wisdom your role model for this next year of your life, helping to remind you that you can overcome any obstacle and that you’re never too old to fulfill your destiny, even if you do sometimes poop on people’s windshields.
Pisces: Studies have shown that dog owners are happier and healthier than non-dog owners. While cat fans may complain, the bottom line is that it’s real nice to have somebody around that you can pat, go for walks with and who can lick your ears and neck every once in awhile.
Aries: It sounds like the Stars are saying the best advice for you this week will come from one of your friends, even though you might not agree with it at first. So keep your ears and your bananas peeled; unless you don’t like bananas, in which case you’d better find another good source of potassium.
Taurus: Studies have shown that the key to a truly happy and connected relationship is regularly sharing a “magic kiss,” one that lasts at least 6 seconds, preferably twice a day. If one of these kisses involves partial nudity, all the better. Regularly sending thoughtful or thankful emails and text messages also helps. So here’s one to get you started. “I like you more than pizza—just please don’t tell pizza!”
Gemini: Never forget the power of words, especially words like: Love. Hate. Thanks. Forgiveness. Redemption. Skullduggery. Canoodle. You suck. I rock. Let’s roll. Have faith. Why not? You are definitely a few fries short of a Happy Meal.
Cancer: A recent study found that winter is the most a popular time to become pregnant. In case you’re expecting, or hoping to just practice procreating more, here’s some advice: A) Anyone who says they slept like a baby has obviously never had one. B) “Diaper” spelled backwards is “repaid.” C) You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
Leo: Since most Leos are in an ideal time and place to chase after your biggest dreams, please remember the following: Uno) You deserve to be happy, successful and to feel great about how you look wearing nothing but a thong. 2) Setbacks are really set-ups in disguise. Tres) And from the Dalai Lama, “Remember that sometimes not getting what you want is a wonderful stroke of luck.”
Virgo: In general, astrology is a blueprint for life. Depending upon when you were born, the Stars give specific clues about your life and things like your character traits and relationship strengths. In case you were wondering about your guidance, please ask yourself these questions: Doesn’t doggedly chasing after perfection make it easier to miss perfect moments? Is it more important to be right or to be happy? Since you hold the key to your happiness, why do you keep using combination padlocks?
Libra: Ladies and gentlemen of this esteemed sign please allow Clouds to enliven you with the following three rules for life: 1) Bad things happen when good people stay silent. 2 ) No one likes to get hit with a snot-sicle. III) The love you give is the love you get, unless you’re only giving love to a bottle of booze, in which case the love you’ll get will usually only come from a bottle of aspirin and a greasy breakfast.
Scorpio: When Scorpios are at their best they are magnetic, perceptive, disciplined, determined, regenerative and have healthy sex lives. When Scorpios aren’t at their finest they are secretive, destructive, jealous, wrathful, obsessive and their sex lives have the passion and connectedness of toll booth ticket takers working the late shift. Now that we’ve cleared this up, please go out and live the life you’ve been fondling yourself about.
Sagittarius: Since both Thursday nights and mid-winter months are usually the time when people are most likely to feel depressed, Clouds would like to pass along this quote from writer William Gibson: “Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, please make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounded by a**holes.”
Capricorn: Your advice for the week is to listen to more country music. That’s because country music registers much higher on the enlightenment scale than just about another form of the auditory art. In case you forgot, all it really comes down to anyways is keeping the pickup truck running, mending busted hearts, and having a faithful old dog and a healthy appreciation of canned beer.
