Horrorscopes
Pisces: To make the most out of this next, exceptionally blessed year of your life, please adopt some of these lines: I) Be thankful for your detractors, they’re the pogo sticks that make you work harder and hop higher. II) You can never change what you tolerate. III) Let God be the judge of who goes to heaven and who goes much further south. IV) Never count by Roman numerals.
Aries: Spoken words have incredible power, so please watch what you let stumble out of your yap for the next several weeks. You never know when what sounds like simple fun to you will sound like a good reason for a restraining order to someone else.
Taurus: Since the exceptionally attractive people of this sign can be a bit possessive and selfish at times, please learn to let go and laugh more often, especially before you find yourself making one of these statements. 1) My partner told me to stop acting like a damn pink flamingo, so I had to put my foot down. 2) When you think about it, those “Watch for Children” signs make a pretty fair trade.
Cancer: The Stars are saying that you’re feeling self-conscious about something right now and it’s holding you back. Please try to keep in mind that nobody is perfect. Not even Clouds, although Clouds’ goal is never to achieve perfection, only satisfaction. And regardless of what the Rolling Stones say, it really is easy to get some.
Gemini: On both global and work-related fronts, tensions have been running a little high recently as we evolve into smoother and happier times. So please be sure to do three things: 1) Don’t take other people too personally. 2) Find healthy and legal—in at least a lot of states—ways to relieve stress. Tres) Make this your new motto: “The only difference between ‘Victim’ and ‘Victor’ are a couple of letters!”
Leo: Your advice for the week as well as the rest of your friggin’ life is really rather simple: You know that life you’ve always dreamed of—start living it—or at least act like you are! Until you do, Clouds will be withholding all sex related advice, which is, of course, pretty much the only advice Clouds ever gives. So you’ll be screwed … or maybe you won’t.
Virgo: This much we know is true: White boards are remarkable. All you’ve got to do is be true to you—and try not to hurt other people or fart in crowded elevators. The best part about getting a universal remote is when you realize it changes everything. It’s easy to hate Russian dolls since they’re so full of themselves. Say what you will about deaf people …
Libra: The Stars are asking you to give your mental farts a kick to the curb, your spiritual blocks a one-fingered wave and your heart hiccups a paper bag to breathe in. To help you accomplish all this, all you’ve got to do is be open to everything life brings you, including the people you usually think are about as useful as a mud fence.
Scorpio: Scorpios can be deceitful when they feel uncomfortable. But all dishonesty does is make honesty sit in the corner. And nobody puts honesty, (or Baby) in a corner. To help you feel more honest and comfortable, consider: “I didn’t want to believe my father, who works for the Highway Department, was stealing from work, but when I got home all the signs were there.”
Sagittarius: The Stars are saying now is the time to streamline your life so that it matches your skills and needs. Basically, you’re being told it would be a great time to find balance in your life. Remember that the keys to balance are to self-acceptance, regular exercise and to try not to pick someone too big (or little) for you to share the spiritual seesaw with.
Capricorn: Since it would do you some good to flow more like a river, instead of rallying like a Willy’s in four-wheel drive, please do the following: Take five deep, slow breaths a day. Always stop to smell the begonias. And be sure to smile more at strangers—and not just one of those “I’d like to see you wearing nothing but a smile” smiles.
Aquarius: At it’s best, astrology helps us groove more easily to the rhythms, bass line and occasional guitar solos of life. To help make sure you stay in tune, try not to be so hard on those you love, or are forced to put up with regularly. Listening to some Ray LaMontagne might help, so long as you don’t live by these lines: “I never learned to count my blessing. I choose instead to dwell in my disasters.”
