Horrorscopes
Pisces: The Stars report that this is the perfect time to allow/encourage your wildest dreams to come true. Since you have a proclivity for letting things roll, this shouldn’t be too difficult; just be sure to only practice your wildest dreams with able partners and in states where such things are legal.
Aries: Now that spring is here, people will generally be more happy, yet less patient and more restless. To help, make sure you reflect happiness back upon others, avoid saying the following sentence, while regularly repeating the one after that: “I have no idea what makes you such an idiot … but it’s really working!” “I put both the ‘x’ and the ‘cute’ in execute!”
Taurus: Please work on keeping the following in mind: Even the people who invented salmon-flavored vodka deserve love. People not only can change, they do all the time. Holding a grudge is useless and bad for your lower back.
Gemini: Ultimately, it’s your choices and not your words, or even other people’s words, that define your life. Therefore, try to remember these three things: Being cremated is not your only hope for a smoking hot bod. Always give 100%—unless you’re donating blood. Never eat peanut butter and jealous sandwiches.
Cancer: A million seconds last 11 days. A billion seconds last 31 years. It only takes a few seconds to change your life for the better. It’s always best to leave room for seconds and to remember this line from Emerson: “For every minute you remain angry, you give up 60 seconds of peace of mind.”
Leo: Career takes center stage for Leos this month. It’s a great time to change careers or create your own business. The keys: practicality, diplomacy and keeping your feisty side in check. The biggest thing Leos need to work on right now is attitude and to stop looking for happiness in the same place you lost it.
Virgo: Studies have shown that people prone to humming, whistling or singing aloud, especially while working, are said to be happier and healthier. It seemed to work well enough for the Seven Dwarfs. Therefore, your new assignment is to be nicer to short people, and to start singing or humming aloud. Clouds suggests doing so to Lyle Lovett’s song, “I love everybody, especially you.” Unless you’re in prison or a public restroom.
Libra: In honor of the start of baseball season, it looks like the Universe is going to throw you some curveballs in April. But don’t worry, it’s nothing you can’t handle with ease so long as you stay a cool, calm and focused. To help, please adopt a Yogi-ism. 1)“Baseball is 90% mental and the other half is physical.” 2) “When you come to the fork in the road, take it.” K) “It aint the heat, it’s the humility.”
Scorpio: April promises to be a very positive and productive month, especially for those who can stay faithful, self-confident and control their oft-sharp tongues. To help, be sure to take some downtime to regroup, even just a few minutes each day, and try not to say anything like this, especially at work: “If idiots could fly, this place would be an airport.”
Sagittarius: The Stars are screaming at you to find some balance in your life. Normally, the Stars never scream, except when they’re watching horror movies like “Carrie,” or any film involving Austin Kutcher.
Capricorn: Capricorns are at their best when focused on things of quality and using their practical and hard working natures to go after goals. Caps are at their worst when being cynical, insensitive and suffering from a martyr’s complex. To keep you at your finest heed this line from novelist E.W. Howe: “Everyone hates a martyr. It’s no wonder martyrs were burned at the stake.”
Aquarius: It looks like your astrological mood ring will soon be set to purple, which means your passions will be enflamed, you’ll be creatively in tune and pretty much engulfed in happiness. Therefore, here’s your latest batch of Clouds’ Rules for Life: #1. The most important ingredient for mind blowing sex is trust. #2. Always be wary of anyone who says, “To be honest with you…” #7. Never bring a spork to a knife fight.
