Horrorscopes
Cancer: While most people of this sign would be happy to spend their birthdays, and much of this next year, at home surrounded by family and friends, the Stars are requesting you celebrate a little differently. This next year of your life is about mixing it up and expanding your comfort—and sometimes uncomfortable—range To help, here’s your birthday question, courtesy of the ageless pitcher Satchel Paige: “How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”
Leo: Psychologist Sigmund Freud was fond of having his dog, a Chow named Jo-Fi, sit in on sessions with his patients. Freud felt the dog helped calm and relax his patients, thus paving the way for healing. Jo-Fi also gave the good doctor a good excuse for the occasional “gassy” smells in the office. To help you heal and thrive, try following Freud’s advice: “One day, in retrospect, the years of struggle will strike you as the most beautiful.”
Virgo: Your magic cities are Austin and Nashville. Your not-so-magical cities are LA and New York. Your magic stones are amethyst, pearls and onyx. Your Magic 8 Ball answer is: “Hell, Yeah!” And your magical lyric comes from The Lovin’ Spoonful: “Believe in the magic of a young girl’s soul.
Believe in the magic of rock and roll. Believe in the magic that can set you free!”
Libra: The Stars report that we’ve entered a great period of healing and recovery. So please remember we should all be more like dogs—happy and excited to begin each day anew. To help, accept that Libras have a lot in common with Barf from the movie “Space Balls:” “I’m a mog: half man, half dog. I’m my own best friend!”
Scorpio: The only thing that can make a Scorpio happy is him- or herself, unless you suffer from a split personality, in which case you’re both going to have to pitch in. Therefore, try doing something positive and healing for your soul this week. Just make sure it doesn’t include getting intoxicated, incarcerated or accidentally impregnated.
Sagittarius: Please choose your own new motto from the following: “Never take life too seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.” “I will become the type of person my dog thinks I am!” “Never ever say never ever.” “Never stand between a dog and a fire hydrant.”
Capricorn: Since Caps need freedom and chances to learn and explore the way dogs need naps, belly rubs and things to pee on, please remember to be more self-accepting. Therefore, you rnew assignment is to get in touch with your inner puppy. So be sure to nibble on ears, jump for joy and wag your spiritual tail more often. Just try not too wet the rug or chew up any shoes.
Aquarius: With summer in full swing, Clouds has a few easy to remember suggestions for making the most of it. 1.) Avoid tan lines whenever possible. 2.) Avoid can lines whenever possible. 3.) Don’t let the Loudmouth Soup make an ass out of you in mixed company—save that nonsense for family.
Pisces: Your assignment for the week is to release worry, show doubt the door and give fear a bitch slap. To help you complete this trifecta, make this your new mantra: “Nothing can stop me now! Although something scantily clad may slow me down for a while.”
Aries: Your assignment for the week is to realize that it’s okay if you don’t like everybody. And it’s even more okay if some people don’t like you. You’re an Aries for crying out loud and you’re always, naturally going to attract people, so screw the ones who treat you like crap—or, better yet, don’t!
Taurus: Here are your useful tidbits for the week: The warmer the feet, the better chance a woman will reach climax. Men who reach climax regularly with a partner are more likely to feel generally happy and fulfilled. And of course the most useful tidbit, the more you laugh, the better you love. If these tips don’t make you feel better, you may need to seek help from someone other than Mr. Jack Daniels or Ms. Box Wine
Gemini: Whoever said, “If at first you don’t succeed try, try again,” probably wouldn’t like the following statement: “If at first you don’t succeed … quit. Maybe the Universe is trying to tell you something or steer you in another direction.” For example, Clouds easily gets steered away from any rational thought and almost all clothing by the smell of cheap red wine and the sounds of Barry White. Don’t miss the message.
