Horrorscopes
Virgo: This next year promises to highlight the strengths you’ve developed over the previous year. As usual, it will help if you can go against your nature and go with the flow more often. If you can do so you’re sure to start feeling like Flo from those car insurance commercials: like you’ve got great hair, you can get away with wearing white anytime.
Libra: Please select your end of summer motto from the following. A) If you learn to ride the waves you’ll crash into fewer rocks. B) Worrying about the future is like paying a debt you don’t owe. X) And from Lily Tomlin, “The road to success is always under construction.”
Scorpio: There’s only one way to have your dreams come true and that’s to dare to have some. Therefore your new mantra is: I will be (insert a personal goal). I want to be (insert a positive personal adjective)! And I hope to get my (favorite body part) fondled more often.
Sagittarius: It’s quite natural for all of us to feel, every once in awhile, like nobody in the world gives a rat’s patootie about us. But that’s not true, for Clouds does and always will give a rat’s patootie about you, especially that sweet patootie of yours. Therefore, your new mantra is: “You’re damn Skippy I’m worth lovin!”
Capricorn: If we’ve learned nothing else from Jared of Subway’s fame and recent arrest, we’ve learned this: You get what you ask for, so be careful when ordering a foot-long. Healthy bodies don’t mean healthy minds. Jared is a moron and a pervert, but he did know where to go to get a good sandwich.
Aquarius: With August coming to an end, some folks start feeling sad about the coming cold and change of seasons. Therefore, this is the perfect time to start a new relationship or dive deeper into one you’re already in. To help you turn up the internal heat, try this line: “I hope you don’t mind if I call that hot body of yours the “Piñata,” because I’d definitely like to hit that.”
Pisces: In case you were wondering, even Clouds feels beat up and betrayed every once in awhile, too. The one thing, however, that Clouds never feels is bored, for Clouds knows that being alone is often the best company any of us ever have, especially when there’s only one beer left in the fridge.
Aries: Your role model for the new school year is Kermit the Frog. Despite being one of 3,265 siblings, being the world’s only speaking frog and having legs Southerners enjoy eating, he went on to live the life he imagined. Kermit has been nominated for an Academy Award, earned a Doctorate, and has been fondled by Jessica Simpson. So try to be more like Kermit, while keeping in mind it ain’t easy being green … but if it were easy, it wouldn’t be worth it.
Taurus: Here are your not-so gentle reminders about the rules of life: A) An un-aimed arrow never misses, and may result in a lawsuit. B) It’s best to just let others think you’re an ass, than to open your mouth and prove it. C) He who dies with the most toys, usually makes those he left behind glad he’s gone.
Gemini: A lagniappe (pronounced lanyap) is a southern term referring to a free gift or an unexpected bonus. It looks like the Stars are set to provide you with some lagniappes, but if you want any fried okra or grits you’re on your own. Remember, the best things in life aren’t things, and the next best things require some nudity.
Cancer: With the cool of autumn just around the corner, this much we know is true: Thoughts will turn towards the ski slopes; football and baseball playoff time will soon entertain us; And when it gets chilly it helps to cuddle to stay warm. To help you with the latter, avoid lines like this: “I put the ‘STD’ in STUD. All I need is “U!’”
Leo: Since Leos may be feeling a bit frustrated by anyone who is slowing down their otherwise fabulous and efficient progress, please stay calm and try to see even those pain in the butt moments as blessings. To help, please think but do not say this: “I don’t always call people ‘Hosers.’ But when I do, I prefer them to take off, eh.”
