Horrorscopes
Libra: Libras need to be social for life to have meaning, purpose and proper distraction. Unfortunately, Libras usually try to separate their work and social lives, which is sort of like trying to separate Ernie And Bert. Sure, they both need their own space and dressing styles, but they also need to enjoy helping, connecting and making fun of one another. Therefore, your birthday gift to yourself should include a striped shirt and more laughter. “Uh, Ernie, tell me, how do I look? With your eyes, Bert.”
Scorpio: One of the challenges for this—and just about every other—sign is to understand the difference between the ego and the spirit. The ego believes that once everything falls into place peace will be found, while the spirit says once peace is found everything will fall into place. While the ego wants to stay up all night knocking boots, the spirit wants to take breaks to nap, snuggle and have a snack.
Sagittarius: Here are your McNuggets of wisdom for the week: Studies have shown that thin people chew more thoroughly and never eat anything “low fat.” Gravity will always be working against you. Sagittarius is the ninth sign but your lucky numbers are five and seven. It’s doesn’t matter if you think the glass is half-full or half-empty, we can all agree there’s room for more wine.
Capricorn: Since the path to true love and contentment seldom goes through “Liarsberg,” “Whineyham,” or “Selfcenteredville” please be sure to make a map before departing. But if you’re looking for a stopover in “Luckytown,” this might help: I was wondering if you were into reptiles because iguana tap that!
Aquarius: With the recent Mercury retrograde, as well as some other astrological cleansing going on, life has been a little more stressful than usual for many. If you count yourself among them, then it’s time to adopt a new attitude: “I don’t know how many problems I have because math is one of them.”
Pisces: If life has had some struggles recently, don’t worry. All struggles for worthy causes are rewarded in one way or another. Plus, the Stars say that if you can just stay calm, thankful and hopeful your most recent struggles are sure to result in a happy ending, just like Clouds’ last massage.
Aries: Here are your tips for the week: Most religion is based on guilt. Most love is based on trust. Most of life is about attitude; some of it’s about the weather. Some of the time there’s nothing you can do about it but put on a pair of chaps, a smile and hop on board for the ride. In such cases, it usually helps to holler out, “Yeee-Haaaw!”
Taurus: As common sense and uncommonly good senses of humor are the strongest traits this sign, please enjoy the wisdom of fellow Taurus, TV host John Oliver: One in four Americans is skeptical about climate change. Who gives a s#/%! That doesn’t matter. You don’t need people’s opinion on a fact. You might as well have a poll asking which number is bigger, 5 or 15?
Gemini: The Stars report this would be a good time to move on—or at least up—in any relationship, especially any that have long been making you feel unappreciated, be it work, friendship or love-related. To get you in the right mindset, consider this from the TV family famous for movin’ on up: Mother Jefferson: “I don’t have to stay here and get insulted.” Weezie: “That’s right … you can go anywhere and be insulted!”
Cancer: Your instincts won’t let you down, unless your instincts are to let your pants down with anyone other than your main squeeze. Therefore, please try to remember that while sex lasts just a few moments, revenge, children and bad karma can be dragged out for a lifetime.
Leo: Since it’s tough to not let the little stresses of this month get the best of you, please be sure to take doses of your medicine regularly. For the record, your medicine includes fresh mountain air, naked adventures, anything that makes you laugh, giving good vibes to those around you, and a couple pints of fresh local brew as needed.
Virgo: Your new mission is to not only to be kind to strangers, but to work on being kinder to friends, family members, co-workers and pets. Therefore, please give out hugs and compliments like candy on Halloween and try to not make any comments like this: “Sure, I’d love to see things from your point of view, but my head just won’t fit up there.”
