OUT OF PRINT

Published in the November 15, 2025 issue.

“Printer Offline.” 

No, it can’t be offline. What’s your deal, computer, don’t want to “connect” with my buddy the printer? Just to prove your mistaken survey of the situation, I’ll hoist myself out of my chair and look at my printer. Well, that’s odd. The little wi-fi icon is blinking on and off. And the rest of the printer’s bells and whistles are not ringing or whistling. The display box is blank. It should have a “1” and a report on ink levels. 

I will admit my mistake, computer. I’ll turn the printer on and off, the universal “first thing to do” when any computer issue arises. There we go. It’s buzzing a bit and clunking. That should be it. Now, cancel what is in the print queue and start over. Green lights, panel lit up. Ha, can’t fool me.

Hit print and wait for the sound of victory. 

Which doesn’t come because, “Driver Not Found.” 

Driver? Driver? I got your driver. I’ll drive you to Pittsburgh you trashy little plastic printer. Make me go to Settings, will you? You skank. 

Printer Settings says, again, “Driver Not Found.” Then it asks, “Install New Device.” 

Why would I do that when the current device worked just fine about 30 minutes ago, Settings? But fine, I’ll play your little game. “Install.” It’s now looking for “Connected Devices.” And asks if I want to install a device “manually.” Why not. Hit manual. A list of printers shows up. My printer is not on the list. One that is close, is, but not exact. So now I have to get the printer password and the IP address from one of my three “password notebooks” and type that “data” into the right box. 

Please, don’t mistake me for an IT guy. I am not. But I am also not a Luddite. I started writing on a Radio Shack TRS 80. Which is a reminder of how horrible Radio Shack was managed. It had the first cheap home computer and somehow lost the tech war to IBM and Apple. My God. Same guys probably went into the printer business just to get revenge on us poor saps. 

Got the info, plug it in, hit enter and … “Incorrect IP address.” Double check, enter again, and bingo, it says “installing.” Great. 

Back to my lonely document. Hit print and see the WRONG PRINTER in the window, so of course nothing happens but evil, silent laughter from the nasty little heartbreaker of a printer. I would pray to the Gods — Zoroaster, Shiva, Thor, Allah, Jesus and Gaia, to start — to fix the printer, but a printer is a Devil Machine that does not answer to prayers. It makes all Gods call tech support, too. 

Best I can do is calm down by chugging some eggnog right out of the bottle. Because that, my friends, is the Nectar of Gods, thanks to sugar, milk, sugar, cream, sugar, food coloring and chemicals. When partaking of said nectar, forego the glass and just drink it directly from the carton in long gulps. It will warm your heathen soul. 

The heathen printer will get only vile oaths and hexes and spells and dark magic. 

Not surprised calling on the Big Guns, good or evil, didn’t move the machine. So I’m back to deleting, manually installing, checking the printer App, putting in PIN numbers, shutting off the printer and the computer and pacing and cussing. 

Maybe I should just pick up my hand-held tracking device, ask Google “Why do HP Printers suck.” Then AI will weigh in and be ignored, then I’ll click on a couple of pages such as Bob’s Pro Printer Tips and complain in the HP Printers Are Trash Facebook group. By the time I swallow another half jug of eggnog I should have a half dozen ads for new printers on every website I open. Makes me nostalgic for the old TRS 80. 

Time for an afternoon shower to wash the stain of technological failure away. 

Okay, refreshed and ready to fight. 

Deep breath. Click. Password. File. Document. Print. 

A miracle. The damn thing is printing. No idea why. No clue what actually flipped the switch. Divine intervention? Karma? Cosmic joke? Who cares. Something worked. 

Now, the next print job. Print. 

Nothing. No clacking, no whirring, no nothing. 

I get out of my chair, check the printer and see a flashing message: OUT OF INK. 

Shuffle to refrigerator. Drink all the eggnog. Shuffle to the couch. Assume fetal position. Whimper. 

Jon Klusmire of Bishop is wondering if hitting Control-Alt-Delete will reset an entire day.