Horrorscopes
By Clouds McCloud
Virgo: It looks like this would be the perfect time for you to think about your future, visualizing how you would ideally like it to be. Just focus on what you want to have happen. To help, be more grateful, make sure one of your goals is good love accompanied by good lovin’ and listen to Lao Tzu: “Do enough without vying. Be living, not dying.”
Libra: The Stars say that right now you’re probably craving some balance in your life so they intend on sending some your way. Of course, the key to a well-balanced life is much like a well-balanced diet. They both include enjoying the gifts of Mother Nature, plenty of fresh water and lots of fondling the “fruit and veggies.”
Scorpio: The Stars say things are turning positive in just about every aspect of your life. So there’s no reason why you can’t go out there and get a piece of any action you want. Here’s hoping that if any kind of booty is what you’re trying to get a piece of, you get two big handfuls.
Sagittarius: In case any of you Sags out there are in need of a little lovin,’ Clouds would like to pass along the following nuggets: 1st) Sags are good love matches with Aries, Leos and Aquarians. B) Love is the real reason we’re here. 3.) It’s tough to not smile about someone you call “Love and/or Stud Muffin.”
Capricorn: Sometimes the best way to destroy an enemy is to make a friend. Sometimes friendship is the most important thing. Sometimes the best way to make a new friend-with-benefits is to say something like this: “I’m going to hold you so tight you’re going to feel like a handle … and not just a handle of cheap vodka.”
Aquarius: Since both pro football and your libido kicked off a new season this week, Clouds thought it only fitting to point out how even the pigskin likes to hint about how you should up the passion levels in your life. So here are some actual football calls: Hut 1)”He’s really likes that Tight End.” Hut 2) “It’s a game of inches.” Hike the dam ball) “It looks like they’re going to need to do some work on the crotch-ular region.”
Pisces: The Stars are warning you to be careful with your money, as partners and friends won’t have as much of it as usual for a while. This doesn’t mean you need to lavish them with money. It just means you should lavish them with other less material things like: homemade meals, long walks in nature, or head-to-toe (and those delightfully tingly parts in between) massages.
Aries: Your new multiple-choice advice is supplied by fellow Aries. First, Marvin Gaye: “If you cannot find peace within yourself, you will never find it anywhere else.” Next, Rhea Perlman: “You know my philosophy: If you can’t say anything nice, say it about Diane.” And one more from Rhea aka Carla from Cheers: “What are you all sitting around here lunch a bunch wimps for?” Norm: “It’s what wimps do.”
Taurus: Your color of the week is anything but white—it is after Labor Day. Your lucky number is 1. And your words of wisdom come from former NASCAR legend and fellow Taurus, Dale Earnhardt: “The winner ain’t the one with the fastest car. Its the one who refuses to lose.”
Gemini: The Stars say you should be very social. To help prepare, please be advised that some people believe that the key to life is timing. While others believe that if we all believed that timing were everything then nothing would ever happen because we’d all just sit around waiting for the right time to arrive. Both arguments have some merit, but still may not be worthy of a merit badge. That’s up to you to decide.
Cancer: This latest Harvest Moon should usher in a great time to take stock of your life, and maybe do some stocking up. To help you make the most of it, your new mantra is “Fate happens.” And your new goal is to show off your summer tan lines for as long as possible.
Leo: Your new anti-hero is fellow Leo, Madonna. The pop star/film maker/ parent /quasi-pornographer was recently filmed receiving a bouquet of flowers from a fan. The Material Girl was almost completely ungrateful, put them on the ground and said, “I absolutely loathe hydrangeas.” The lesson here is that just because Leos can pretty much create whatever they want in life, doesn’t mean any of them should be Badonkadonk-holes about it!
