Horrorscopes
By Clouds McCloud
Virgo: One of the great parts about life is that it just keeps rolling through. Neither sleet nor snow, nor the Super Bowl, nor a sale at J.C. Penny can even so much as slow it down. That’s why it’s always smart to keep in mind that despite similarities, nothing ever truly happens twice and that there are no accidents. They’re only miracles in drag.
Libra: As a Libra, your mission in life is to not expect bad things to happen. This can be tough since it’s a natural reaction for many of you, especially if you root for any team from Cleveland or San Diego. To help, your new assignment is to whistle, “If you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and then spend more time with anyone who claps, less time with anyone with the clap.
Scorpio: Scorpio is named for the tiny scorpion that brought the mighty Orion down with a sting. That’s the thing about Scorpios; they always have power well beyond their size. Which is where the real challenge lies, for when Scorpios aren’t careful this gift can seem like a curse. Therefore, your assignment is to not get a Napoleon complex about your power, and to heed the “Little Corporal’s” words: “A leader is a dealer in hope.”
Sagittarius: Sags are said to be the Kings and Queens of the backhanded compliment. This may help explain why other sometimes feel uneasy around you, or may occasionally throw boogers at the back of your head. To help, please rephrase these classic Sag statements: A)“You look great in this picture. Did you Photoshop it?” O) “The less you talk the smarter you seem.”
Capricorn: Your astrologically lucky day of the week is Saturday, but that doesn’t mean it’s all right for fighting; unless you’re neighbor starts blasting Elton John at some Godforsaken hour. Therefore, for good luck, try singing some of “Your Song:” “So excuse me forgetting, but these things I do. You see I’ve forgotten if they’re green or they’re blue.”
Aquarius: Your home life may resemble a dune buggy race for the next month, but this is no reason to panic. Dune buggies do come with seat belts. They just don’t come with coffee cup holders. While this doesn’t necessarily mean that it would be a good time to quit drinking coffee, it does mean that it might not hurt to add a little decaf to the mix.
Pisces: You may feel like your life has become one big Irish funeral, as your emotions will be on high for the next several weeks. The key will be to go with the flow and not linger on any negative emotion for too long. If you’re wondering what too long is, it’s about the time it takes to pour and drink a Guinness. If your emotion is a good one, though, feel free to take the time to make a little clover on the foam.
Aries: Arguments about things like inheritances or taxes and the like will arise over the next couple of the weeks. The key will be to not say anything that you may regret for the next several decades. You know, things like “Not only do you look like a monkey, but you mate like one too!”
Taurus: The Stars say this would be a great time to focus on money matters, because money really does matter. But it doesn’t matter nearly as much as love or acceptance or spooning on the couch. Keep these things in mind and things are sure to be Spam-tastic!
Gemini: It really doesn’t matter if you think you’re right or you think you’re wrong, in either case you’re always at least partially right. You are what you think you are, unless you think you’re Elvis, in which case it may be time cut down on the glue sniffing and/or the 40 ozs.
Cancer: Life is all about perspective and attitude. There are some short people out there who are angry about their lack of height and therefore have a bad attitude much of the time. There are others of lesser height who accept themselves as they are by pointing out that the best part of being short is that you’re a lot closer to boob level. Choose your attitude wisely.
Leo: Since Leos are in the midst of period of great—and positive—change in life, there are few things you should be sure to do: First) Be hopeful, thankful and patiently expectant. 2nd) Be flexible, adaptable and flow like a river. III) Remember that sometimes you’re the Jello, sometimes you’re the Jello mold and sometimes you’re the Jello-shot.
