Horrorscopes
By Clouds McCloud
Scorpio: In medieval times, it was believed that all numbers had a positive or negative aspect associated with them—except for 11. You see, 11 falls in between the blessed numbers of 10 and 12, so it’s considered empty. Of course, the uptight, fear-mongering fogies back then thought that this meant that 11 was the territory of evil—they also rarely bathed and probably had damaged senses of smell. In honor of this week’s 11/11/11 event, don’t do anything Dr. Evil wouldn’t do.
Sagittarius: Many folks are saying that this week’s date of 11-11-11 is going to be a day of either great joy or amazing evilness. To make sure you make the most of it, and don’t just “Joe Paterno” it, adhere to this line from Albert Einstein: “The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don’t do anything about it.”
Capricorn: Former Boxing champ and fellow Cap, Joe Frazier passed away last week. To help you embrace life like the man known for being as ferocious in the ring as he was kind and caring outside of it, here are some “Smokin’ Joe” quotes: 1) “Life doesn’t run away from nobody. Life runs at people.” Standing 8) “I prepare myself by being kind and nice to everybody. I treat everybody like I like to be treated.” 10) “I’ve made the National Anthem a six-point underdog.”
Aquarius: Since love is in your forecast, please remember—as tough as this will be for most Aquarians—that sometimes you actually win by losing, sometimes being wrong really makes everything right. To help, your new anthem comes from Edward Sharpe and The Magnetic Zeros: “Well hot and heavy, pumpkin pie, chocolate candy, Jesus Christ, there’s nothing pleases me more than you. Home, let me go home. Home is wherever I’m with you.”
Pisces: To help you have an incredible week, here are some tidbits to make you smile and start some small talk: Bacon is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. Pisces are at their worst and are unhappiest when their main question is: What’s in it for me? If life gives you “melons” you may be dyslexic.
Aries: Clouds would like to remind you that most of your fears are groundless; unless you have a fear of heights, in which case you actually fear the ground. Your new mantra is this “Believe, Visualize and Achieve.” Speak it at least three times a day and find someone to sleep in with in the morning.
Taurus: Just in case you were wondering, it’s not considered Narcolepsy if you make love first. If you’re looking for someone to regularly make love and take naps with, Taurus have the best luck in such matters with Virgos, Geminis and other Tauruses.
Gemini: In honor of the recent passing of a fellow Gemini known as Heavy D, please do the following: A1) Love your body for the shape it is. And-a-2) Add some hip to your hop. Some Heavy D should help: “Rev me up, rev me up, my little buttercup. We can tug sheets, snuggle up and get stuck.”
Cancer: Sometimes we all—especially Cancerians—need to be saved from ourselves. Although some of us don’t really want to be saved, we’re happy enough to be miserable and spend our days making excuses and blaming others for our futility, anger and sorrows—which can really be a full-time job if you let it. If you find that’s part of your job right now, it’d be a good time to file for unemployment.
Leo: Your mantra for the week: Life is a gift; all I have to do is open it. Your assignment: Be thankful of any gift you ever receive, even if it isn’t exactly what you want. You can always re-gift, unless it’s a Chia Pet or edible underwear, because that would just be too tacky.
Virgo: The next time anyone tells you that you can’t do something, please smile and let the following thoughts silently drift through your noodle: “Thanks for the support, you Knob. I’ll remember those words when I’m so successful I’m farting happiness and blowing my nose with c-notes.”
Libra: The Stars are saying this would be as good a time as any to work on, maybe even revamp your appearance a little bit. Adding some new color to your wardrobe wouldn’t hurt. So here are some general color guidelines: Light blues promote relaxation. Orange can invoke hostility. Gray can induce fright. Red can arouse others. And “See-through” is Clouds’ (and many like-minded folks) favorite “color.”
