Horrorscopes

By Clouds McCloud

Sagittarius: One of the best things Sags can do to increase happiness is to quit complaining. You live in America, for crying out loud! It can’t be that bad. To help, Clouds is offering the following stellar advice: Happiness isn’t a place or even a destination. It’s a state of mind, best reached by being thankful for your life, even the pain in the patootie parts, and by having someone to regularly pat patooties with.

Capricorn: We’re all experts at wearing masks. We wear one mask for work, another for family. We have masks for the weekends or the neighbors, and others for the ballfield or the bedroom. But wearing too many gets confusing, so your new assignment is to cut down on the amount of masks you wear outside the bedroom and increase those you don inside it.

Aquarius: Since the end of the year is a time of transition, it’s best to be like a river and simply flow. If you find you’re getting easily frustrated, or that your river feels like a Class IV whitewater run and you find yourself dangerously low on beer, try to calm yourself by taking deep breaths of fresh air and thinking along the lines of that ancient Asian classic “Yellow River” by I.P. Daily.

Pisces: The Stars are telling you to socialize and practice the power you have to make people happy. This doesn’t mean that you’ll be going all Bobby McFerrin and singing “Don’t Worry, Be Happy” to everybody, unless you want people to throw shoes at you.

Aries: Partnerships are what your ass-trological outlook is focused on right now. So try to keep in mind that there’s more to a successful relationship than just finding someone with the kind of a bum you like. But not much more, especially if you’re a bum-person. So try not to be a bum-head and think before you holler.

Taurus: The holidays do one of two things to relationships: either they bring them closer together or they tear them apart. It’s up to you to choose. But whatever you do, choose more wisely than most moms do, because it seems all they ever choose is Jif peanut butter.

Gemini: You’ll soon have an opportunity to start the next chapter of your career, so take advantage of it. A good example of how to do this would be to share one of your brilliant ideas with your boss at the company holiday party. A bad example would be to share your “lunch” with your boss after you’ve had a few too many.

Cancer: The lessons you’ve been learning about yourself recently should come in handy now. Hopefully, you didn’t skip out on your lessons just to go grab drinks at the Westin or Rusty’s — because those should be your rewards. If you did skip, expect some form of homework or at least an irritating hangover.

Leo: The Stars report that, even though you might be feeling just the opposite right now, great times are headed your way like an avalanche. To help you enjoy the ride, remember to keep your head up and that your new theme song comes from Peter Gabriel: “Don’t give up. You’re not beaten yet. Don’t give up. I know you can make it good.”

Virgo: Retirement no longer means what it used to. Instead of working at one place for a lifetime and then calling it quits right before you croak, we now just wander from one job and one career to the next. Keep this in mind the next time a co-worker says something offensive to you, because that person could wind up serving you lunch one day.

Libra: Tangerine Tango is the “color of the year,” according to people with way too much time on their hands. These people, staffers at the Pantone Color Institute, do remind us, however, that color has power and can be uplifting. Tangerines themselves are said to have an aroma that makes people happier. Now that you’ve had some “tangtastic” tidbits, remember to give thanks to the less tangible aspects of your life.

Scorpio: Members of this sign have reputations for stretching the truth. It’s not that Scorpios lie more than everybody else, it’s just they tend to grossly exaggerate the “Little White Lie” law. A little white lie is something you say to spare someone’s feelings, such as when a husband tells his wife, “No, honey, your ass doesn’t look fat in those jeans.” The law doesn’t cover things such as a wife telling her husband, “I know it seems odd, but it’s true … shopping is considered a form of marriage counseling.”