Horrorscopes
By Clouds McCloud
Capricorn: In honor of the birthdays of two of the most entertaining and successful people ever — all-time great actor, Jim Carrey (50), and the “Greatest of All-Time,” boxer Muhammad Ali (70) — most of this week’s Horrorscopes will be in their honor. In your honor, never forget you are a Capricorn, too … and just like Ali, you were born to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Aquarius: The new moon on Jan. 23 will usher in a new beginning for you. To help you make the most out of it, remember that, ultimately, your attitude is the only thing you can control. Some words from Jim Carrey should help with that: “Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.”
Pisces: As an emotionally sensitive Water sign you probably already feel the seas picking up in your personal life. But this is nothing to fret over, after all, you like a little rock in your boat. Just be patient with other people and don’t throw anybody overboard until at least this spring, when the seas will calm again.
Aries: For the next few months, your ruling planet, Mars, will be in retrograde. Just as when Mercury stalls, communication can be a bit testy, especially with those closest to you. The key will be to not force anything and do things that reduce stress, such as exercising, napping and having “Nooners.”
Taurus: Don’t be surprised if the people in your life start asking odd or annoying questions for the next few months. Mars is going to mess up personal communications for a spell. To assure you handle things well, don’t reply with anything such as this Jim Carrey line: “Your request is not unlike your lower intestine … stinky and loaded with danger.”
Gemini: The Stars are giving you a heads up to be extra cautious concerning your home front for the next few months. Basically, it’s not the best time to pick up a new roommate and/or bedmate, or to respond with anything such as the following Muhammad Ali-ism: “If they can make penicillin out of moldy bread, they can sure make something out of you.”
Cancer: As a Water sign it’s important that things feel right to you, especially when it comes to family and close friends. As a planet, Mars likes to occasionally mess with these relationships. One of those occasions is now. To keep your priorities in order, remember this Jim Carrey line: “Life is a fragile thing. One minute you’re chewin’ on a burger, the next minute you’re dead meat.”
Leo: As a Fire sign, you are born with a burning passion to explore, learn, go on quests and sunbath/worship—nude, when legal. That’s why Leos not only feel surprisingly comfortable at nude beaches, you folks also usually agree with Muhammad Ali: “A man who views the world the same at 50 as he did at 20 has wasted 30 years of his life.”
Virgo: Like fellow Earth signs Capricorn and Taurus, you’re a very practical person, with a gift for paying attention to details and getting the job done. Sometimes, however, you get so focused on the task, you forget about the needs and feelings of your fellow taskmasters. To help, regularly recite this Muhammad Ali mantra: “It isn’t the mountains ahead to climb that wears you out; it’s the pebble in your shoe.”
Libra: It’s time such as these, when Mars goes retrograde and increases tensions and miscommunications between people, when Libras are most important. You see, Libras have a gift for calming and connecting people. So be sure to tap into these skills as though they’re a keg of beer and it’s Free Beer Friday. Just shut anyone off before they start sounding like Jim Carrey: “I’m talkin’ about a place where the beer flows like wine, where the women instinctively flock like the salmon of Capistrano.”
Scorpio: Since Scorpios can be emotionally and fiery sorts, most would be well advised to get in touch with the free-flowing side of their Water sign. The rest of the winter would not be a good time to boil over or freeze up, just stay liquid. This Muhammad Ali advice should help: “Silence is golden when you can’t think of a good answer.”
Sagittarius: The Stars are asking most signs to be more empathetic towards others. To help, try picking your own damn advice for the week! From Jim Carrey: “Come to the dark side. We have better underwear!” or “I hold myself in contempt! Why should you be any different?” From Muhammed Ali, “Desperation is a necessary ingredient to learning anything or creating anything. Period. If you ain’t desperate at some point, you ain’t interesting.”
