Horrorscopes
By Clouds McCloud
Taurus: The mountain that most Tauruses will need to climb this year is self-belief. Unfortunately, there are no Sherpas available to help with this trek. Fortunately, success is easily possible and as abundant as Speedos on a European beach. All you’ve got to do is believe in yourself, work hard and give thanks that you’re not living in Greece.
Gemini: The Stars recommend that you take a romantic getaway this month. It will be good for both your heart and soul. For the record, a night at the Benton Hot Springs counts as a romantic getaway, whereas 17 minutes in a pickup truck parked behind the Breakfast Club doesn’t. It does, however, count for extra credit.
Cancer: Since the Stars say both your social and personal lives are going to be fuller than Dolly Parton in a tube top, your lesson for the week is as follows: If you want to be a party animal you’re going to have to learn to live in the jungle and get used to wearing nothing more than a loincloth.
Leo: Since there’s a wonderfully strange wind blowing in your direction — and it should continue for a while — try embracing your inner child … be curious, hopeful and thankful. It’ll also help if you listen to some strange smelling musicians, such as the Grateful Dead: “Inspiration move me brightly, light the song with sense and color, hold away despair. More than this I will not ask.”
Virgo: The good news is your bank account should start looking good. The challenging news is you’ll want to blow it all by partying like a 1980s hair band. Therefore, you’re only allowed to sing along, but not act like, a member of Def Leppard: “Gunter, gleiben, glauchen, globen … Burn it up, let’s go for broke. Watch the night go up in smoke. Rock on!”
Libra: Starting on Cinco de Mayo, your social life should start to get hotter than a bottle of Habanero pepper sauce. To help you handle it, keep in mind that sour things, such as margaritas, balance out spicy things and, remember, that the answer to this question immediately let’s you know where you stand: “What do you say we spend some siesta time together?”
Scorpio: Since Scorpios are infamous for being self-defeatists, Clouds reminds you folks that only two things can defeat a Scorpio: you and gravity bongs. Therefore, your words of wisdom come from Frederick Keonig: “We tend to forget that happiness doesn’t come as a result of getting something we don’t have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have.”
Sagittarius: Former Big League pitcher Roger Clemens is currently on trial for lying to Congress. He claims that most of his teammates and his wife did steroids. Not him. Others claim Clemens’ pants should soon be on fire. The lesson here is two fold. From Mark Twain, “If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.” And from Clouds, “The truth is like a baseball; if you don’t play it right, it’ll give you a short hop to the scrotal region.”
Capricorn: The Stars want to let you know that any downturns in your career are soon to turn upward. All you’ve got do is keep working hard, keep a positive attitude and realize that if you want to be treated like an adult you’re going to have to start acting, dressing and smelling like one — at least during business hours!
Aquarius: The average American eats 51 pounds of pork per year. This may help explain why the average American only “porks” 85 times per year, which is well below the worldwide average of 103 times. Therefore, your job is to try to bring both averages up, since both make you happy. Try this line to get things started: “How about you be the rump roast and I’ll apply the spicy rub.”
Pisces: Your lucky color for the week is lavender. Your lucky rule is: Always be wary of people with small, pointy chins unless you have a small pointy chin, in which case be wary of anyone who doesn’t have a small pointy chin. And your lucky saying: “Beauty really is only skin deep, but that’s as deep as I wanna go anyway.”
Aries: The Stars report that you’ve just entered a phase where you’ll be doing some soul searching and enjoying any solo time you get. Your key is to not be too hard on yourself. Therefore, your role model is Clouds’ fitness guru, Richard “Short-shorts” Simmons, who advises: “If the oxygen mask drops down, it’s time to take a breather!”
