Horrorscopes
By Clouds McCloud
Gemini: June should offer a plethora of possibilities to expand your personal horizons the way Moses parted the Red Sea. Of course, some people don’t believe Moses parted the Red Sea. Apparently they think he just rented a bunch of houseboats and they all partied Lake Powell-style. As you can see, it’s easy to get confused, especially if you’re smoking too much burning bush.
Cancer: Cancer is one of the hardest constellations to actually see. The best chance to catch it is around the summer solstice. Much like the sign, the people born under it can be awfully hard to read. That’s why the best way to see into a Cancer’s heart is by being warm, friendly and cautiously honest. Cancers are, after all, known for being susceptible to “Irish Alzheimers.” They forget everything except the grudges.
Leo: Skateboarding has been introduced into the curriculum of elementary schools throughout the country. And the early reports are, so far, so great. What does this have to do with you, you may ask? It means that your ability to coexist and connect with all kinds of people in your life is about to dramatically improve; even if you can’t do an olley or stand to have your pants hanging around your ankles … unless you’re entertaining, of course.
Virgo: Here are words of wisdom for the week: From Buddha, “Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.” And from Clouds, “It is better to forgive and forget; remembering that karma never does, and she can be a real bitch!”
Libra: The Stars advise you to just be yourself, have faith and everything will turn out just fine and dandy. And maybe, if you’re lucky, even a little “randy,” as Austin Powers likes to say. The Powers That Be say that Leos and Geminis make great work and/or playmates for Libras. Therefore, your new mantra comes from oldie but still hottie, Stefanie Powers: “You look marvelous, darling.”
Scorpio: As June begins you’ll be afforded a great opportunity to recharge you soul-er batteries. Of course, there are lots of great ways to do this: You could start a new journal. Take some nice hikes. Or you could simply start each day being thankful for your life … and the way you look naked.
Sagittarius: There’s nothing you can do about yesterday, but there’s a lot you can do about tomorrow. As for today, the Stars say you should get more involved with your community. Clouds’ suggestions include attending a local lecture, frequenting someplace other than your favorite watering hole or throwing a “No Pants” party.
Capricorn: You probably feel as though life has been dragging you around from Tucson to Tucumcari, Tehachapi to Tonopah. The great news is that the dragging will soon stop and life will start chauffeuring you to some more enjoyable locales. All you’ve got to do is be willin’ to try to get by on more than just weed and wine. Listening to Little Feet will help.
Aquarius: The Stars say your sensuality is about to get spicier than a basket full of jalapeño poppers. To help you make the most out of it, your new theme comes from Oscar Mayer. Because if you were an Oscar Mayer Weiner, the whole world would be in love with you … except for vegetarians, of course. Clouds just hopes that whoever loves you remembers to bring some beer.
Pisces: Your assignment for the week is open your mind and shut your mouth. Your extra credit assignment is to name three members of the Baseball Hall of Fame. Your double top secret assignment is to occasionally refer to yourself in the third person and to go commando more often.
Aries: Most Aries Clouds knows are very sexual people, which is a terrific trait so long as they respect and appreciate their sexuality, and don’t become the “town moped.” You know, fun to ride so long as your friends don’t see you. Therefore, the biggest challenges Aries face is to understand their emotions and true motives. The biggest challenge mopeds face is going up steep hills.
Taurus: Nobody in their right mind has ever said that life is supposed to be easy. Joyful, yes. Challenging, sure. Confusing, you betcha. Rewarding, absolutely. Anybody with even a half functioning brain, however, knows that life can and should be simple. Therefore your mantra from here until fall should be KISS: Keep It Simple, Sex-kitten/panther!
