Horrorscopes
By Clouds McCloud
Cancer: Since the next month will prove challenging to your personal and professional relationships, the Stars think that if you can keep your cool and be extra compassionate and patient with people you’ll be greatly rewarded later in the year. To help, don’t adopt a saying such as this one: “You make me wish I had more middle fingers!”
Leo: In honor of the passing of one of Clouds literary heroines, Nora Ephron, you words of wisdom will come from the late Oscar-winning writer. 1) “Insane people are always sure that they are fine. It is only the sane people who are willing to admit that they are crazy.” 2) “The tragedies of your life one day have the potential to be comic stories the next.” 3) “Above all, be the heroine of your life, not the victim.”
Virgo: Your latest Clouds’ lessons about Virgos, whose symbol is the Virgin, often depicted with wings, is: Sometimes you’re the bird, sometimes you’re the poop-covered statue. But heck, even when things are at their nadir, at least you’ve got your own statue, and you’re bound to get cleaned up sooner or later. The best the rest of us can hope for is a bobble-head doll and a car wash.
Libra: The great news for you is that the Stars are sending Venus your way soon, which should help cheer you up by allowing you to speak with the eloquence of a poet. In case you’d like to use this gift to help get some dirty talk going with your favorite scribe, try this line out: “I like you so much I’d happily have a dysfunctional relationship with you.”
Scorpio: The Stars report that life looks very positive for you so long as you obey one rule: think before speaking. The only thing that could temporarily derail your eminent happiness is if you were to say something like this to a loved one or co-worker: “This is not a damn cheer-osity! So shove a pom-pom in it! I’ll make all the damn cheer-cisions around here!”
Sagittarius: Your magic letter for the summer is P … as in Powerful, Potential, Promises, Peonies and Pu Pu Platters. Therefore, be advised that most American Chinese food places are packed full of MSG, which is a poor man’s tryptophan, and that your life can be perfect so long as you don’t try to pour down too many shots of Purple Passion.
Capricorn: To help remind you that attitude is everything, ponder the following quotes. From Willie Nelson, “We create our own unhappiness. The purpose of suffering is to help us understand we are the ones who cause it.” And from Conan O’Brien, referencing the lousy reputation associated with the Garden State, “New Jersey is what makes New Jersey look bad.”
Aquarius: It looks like this is the last down week you’re going to get for a while, so you’d better make the most of it and do practically nothing. Any rest and “me time’ you get will come in handy because before you know it you’ll find yourself grabbing life by the haunches and hollering out “Yee Haw!”
Pisces: The Stars say good money karma is coming your way. To make the most out of this, get your finances in order, don’t make any impulse buys and be thankful. Adopting a new motto would be wise too, so long as isn’t this one: “Blacking out after too much drinking is your mind’s way of clearing its browser history.”
Aries: Be warned that an ass-trological lesson is taking place, and that messin’ with Biggie or Clouds, it ain’t safe. You see it never pays to be a hater, it only works to be an appreciator. So if you don’t want your life to get all mashed like an Idaho potato, try to love others the way most white people love mayo.
Taurus: Your rules for life for this summer are as follows: #7) What goes around always comes around, usually a lot stronger. #9) We all toot. #24) There ain’t no “I” or “Go screw the rest of you” in TEAM. #123) Actions speak in stereo, while words tend to whisper, which only works with pillow talk.
Gemini: Since the summer promises to be a swift one, be sure to plan well and get rest when you can. To help make sure you’ve got plenty of hip in your hop, add some tunes from fellow Gemini Notorious B.I.G into your soundtrack. Side A)“Stay far from timid, only make moves when your heart’s in it and live the phrase ‘the sky’s the limit.’” Side B) “I shot dread in the head, took the bread and the lamb spread … so don’t resist or you might miss Christmas.”
